Chapter Text
Natsusawa entered the room with a tray in his hands. Warm tea and a plate of cookies glared at him with disappointment. As soon as everyone had left, he breathed a sigh of relief.
Well, maybe almost everyone, and almost with relief.
⎼ Do we need anything else? ⎼ He closed the door with his foot, turning to the girl sitting by the kotatsu.
⎼ Oh, thank you. I believe we have everything. ⎼
He placed the tray on the table and sat down across from Hoshina. She placed a thick textbook in front of her. Natsusawa smiled to himself, more and more green markers appeared on the sides of the volume. They surely had a lot of work to do. The girl grabbed her phone while sending him an apologetic smile. She asked him to help her with her studies earlier today, and Natsusawa agreed immediately.
⎼ Wait, I'll just ask Kauruko if she got home safely. ⎼
⎼ Sure. ⎼ he replied, resting his cheek on his hand.
⎼ There. We can begin. ⎼ She put the object aside. The determination in her voice enveloped him with that usual but suspicious warmth. Despite the vastly different departments at the university, there were always sections where Saku could explain things to her while practicing teaching. The math elements in law school could be really tricky.
A moment later, they were halfway through their first problem. Natsusawa was clearly improving his teaching skills, and Hoshina was truly amazed. So much had changed since high school, yet so little. For some reason, she understood much more when it was him explaining. Except for those moments when he leaned in just a little too close, and she could observe his facial features.
And feel something she still couldn't quite place.
But other than that, she understood everything. She bit the inside of her cheek when the mentioned situation repeated itself.
⎼ Do you understand now? ⎼
⎼ Uhh… Yes, yes, totally. Thank you, Natsusawa ⎼ she deliberately avoided his gaze so he wouldn't guess the obvious lie.
An hour passed, and they had gone through everything Hoshina had planned for tonight, she wanted to slowly get ready to go home.
She couldn't, after all, abuse Natsusawa's hospitality. Although the thought of spending more time with him was currently very close to her heart.
But when she looked out the window, it turned out it wasn't just dark. It was freezing, generally unpleasant, and it was pouring. Like, pouring very much.
November.
Don't get her wrong. Subaru loves rain, but... when she's inside. In a warm blanket, with hot tea, and by her fake fireplace. Dry and without the need for a twenty-minute walk to the bus stop. Natsusawa followed her gaze, seeing her expression drop.
⎼ Maybe you should stay until the weather improves a bit? Don't do it... you'll regret it, he mentally scolded himself.
⎼ No… I really should go back, but⎼ a sudden, loud sound interrupted the girl's train of thought. A piercing sound.
Lightning struck nearby.
If there was one thing she hated as much as her fear of men, it was thunderstorms. Specifically, how loud they quickly could get.
Subaru shuddered slightly. Natsusawa pressed his lips into a thin line.
⎼ No. Stay, you shouldn't have gone back during the storm... ⎼ he scratched the back of his neck, a light shade of red flowing to his cheeks.
⎼ You can stay the night. I don't mind. ⎼ He looked away.
Saku absolutely couldn't let the girl walk home in the dark during the storm. Absolutely not. Not this girl.
Subaru clenched her hands in her skirt and was about to deny the offer, but another bolt of lightning struck suspiciously close.
⎼ I- - I don't want to cause you a problem. I should really get back. ⎼ she stood up. Natsusawa's body moved on its own, he grabbed her arm.
⎼ It's already dangerous, you don't make any problem. Stay.
The girl sat back down. Natsusawa's expression caught her off guard. The boy took that as a green light. ⎼ So it’s decided. ⎼ He smirked.
Silence
⎼ I-I'll sleep in the living room, don't worry about it. ⎼ he said, his ears burning. After that, he disappeared behind the door to prepare the bed in the bedroom and move his bedding into the living room.
Subaru buried her face in her hands and leaned on her knees.
⎼ I'm not worried about that... ⎼ she muttered.
…
Saku Natsusawa was in big fat ass trouble. He slid down the bathroom door, burying his face in his hands. Subaru Hoshina. Subaru Hoshina, the one he'd been hopelessly in love with since mid-high school. In his house. In his room and on his sheets.
⎼ Ughhhh… At this rate… ⎼ he looked blankly in the mirror, stood up, and splashed his face with icy water.
He looked at himself. He has barely recognized the person in the mirror lately. This whole stupid facade, this whole circus of suppressing these feelings. What was the point? He leaned against the sink and shook his head. No, enough of being selfish. The deep shadows under his eyes, the sallow skin, and the suspicious dizziness seemed to say otherwise, but this Saku was staying in the bathroom. It was just exhaustion.
Saku felt awful.
When he returned, he found her looking at photos on the wall.
He cleared his throat.
⎼ Oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to be nosy. ⎼ She scratched the back of her neck.
⎼ Don't worry about it. ⎼ He lowered his gaze.
⎼ You really have a lot of photos... A very cozy room. ⎼ She smiled at the boy, and he sat down next to her, tucking his legs under the kotatsu blanket. Late autumn was starting to take its toll.
Cold, he thought.
⎼ Aren't you cold? Maybe I should turn up the heat? ⎼ he asked, sliding his hands under the blanket, closer to the very heat source.
⎼ Are you cold? ⎼ She frowned. ⎼ I just thought it was very warm in here. ⎼
…
Thunder continued to rumble outside the window. The storm was getting stronger.
Saku bit his cheek as Hoshina flinched for what felt like the fifth time in a row. He wanted to give the girl some comfort… He had a vague feeling they'd grown closer. Very close, even. They'd talked for hours about everything. Hoshina was responding more quickly over the phone, which he was silently very proud of, and the memes they'd exchanged made him realize how similar their senses of humor were. But now that they were face-to-face alone… He couldn't get more than a few words out. At least not now that the material they'd been covering had ended, leaving him at the mercy of whatever his tired brain could produce.
He rested his cheek on the kotatsu and sighed, his head seeming to throb even more from the overload of thoughts.
⎼ Do you like board games? ⎼ Her voice snapped him out the of train of thoughts. This is it, he thought, thanking her in his heart. His way of getting out of this awkward silence. He cleared his throat as he felt a betrayal smile creep onto his lips. Hoshina was looking at the corner of the room where several boxes Mio had recently left him resided. He thanked his sister for her clumsiness too.
⎼ I play with my sister from time to time. ⎼he replied.
⎼ Do you have anything you'd like to play? ⎼ he asked, and the girl's eyes lit up. Bingo.
So he got up from his comfortable seat in the kotatsu and walked over to the wall, examining the options. He also grabbed a curtain along the way when he noticed that lightning released a similar reaction to thunder. Finally, he grabbed one of the better turn-based games and returned to the pleasant warmth.
The temperature in the room seemed to drop again. A chill ran down his spine, and his body felt heavier. He blamed it on exhaustion again.
…
Saku had been lying on the sofa in the living room, tossing and turning for what seemed an eternity. Ever since he woke up, his thoughts and throbbing headache had been overwhelming him beyond limit.
He endured an awkward silence, board game proving to be a bull's-eye. (Whenever he thought of it, he smiled. He could afford it. No light meant no evidence.) He also left Hoshina with one of his favorite sweatsuits so she could change into something more comfortable. He hoped he wouldn't see her in his clothes…
His poor heart might not survive this. He rolled again.
And again, and again, and then one more time. He fell asleep for maybe an hour, but woke up again. He was feeling worse and worse. Natsusawa let out an exasperated sigh, and finally, resigned, he got up and shuffled to the kitchen. Feeling dizzy he grabbed the fridge to regain some of balance.
⎼ Ughhh. ⎼ he groaned through his burning throat. He put on the kettle and leaned against the counter.
⎼ Cold… ⎼ he muttered and rubbed his arms.
⎼ Strange. ⎼ The heating was on as usual, why was he so terribly cold? He came back for the blanket and threw it over his shoulders. He hadn't been taking care of his health for the past few weeks.
And it came to bite his ass at the worst possible moment... He put his hand to his forehead. Hot.
⎼ Really now?! ⎼ he poured the tea, spilling some on the counter. With a trembling hand, he opened the medicine cabinet.
⎼ Great… ⎼ a memory from a few days ago hit him, when on his way back from university he passed by a pharmacy and nonchalantly brushed it off as that there was definitely something in the house.
It wasn't.
He crouched down, resting his burning forehead against the cold cupboard door. He had to do something. Quickly.
His vision was blurred. Saku wasn't sure if it was caused by lack of sleep or a possible fever. He pressed his cheek harder against the cold cupboard and sighed with relief. Just a moment. He thought, and closed his eyes. His head seemed to be pounding harder and harder. He wanted to go to sleep as soon as possible. It should be gone by morning. He reached for a cup, but his dizziness worsened, and the contents of the object landed all over the counter and on the ground. He closed his eyes at the rather loud sound of shattering glass. The cup rolled and fell against the tiles. He slid down the cupboard and rested his head on his knees.
⎼ I'll clean up tomorrow. ⎼ He thought.
Just as he was on the verge of consciousness and sleep, he heard a soft woman's voice. ⎼ Nats⎼ ⎼ wa? Is⎼ every⎼ ight? ⎼ he didn't understand. His head felt heavy. Who was the person talking to him? Wait... Hoshina? What was she doing in his apartment? He lifted his head slightly. Just enough to glance at the possible hallucination before him. Natsusawa shut his eyes. He was way too exhausted for another dream.
Something pleasantly cold touched his forehead. He wanted to be closer to that feeling, leaned to anything that was realising it. The cold was pleasant, and he clung to anything that produced it. He opened his eyes. "Su⎼ ⎼ aru? ⎼" he muttered and saw the worried expression on her face.
What was she so terrified of? He didn't want her to be. What was happening?
⎼ Yo⎼ ⎼ ve to tak- -e medic⎼e ⎼ he frowned. He didn't understand. He felt the girl put something in his hand and point to his mouth. Oh, so he was supposed to eat something, wasn't he? He wasn't hungry.
But if it's from her. He obediently raised his hand, whatever she'd given him, to his mouth. The girl handed him water. He drank the glass in one go. A pleasant coolness spread down his throat. He closed his eyes and felt her grab his arm, he unconsciously leaned against her. It was just a dream. He repeated.
⎼ If this is just a dream…⎼ She threw her arm over his, and he felt himself slowly rising. ⎼ That's okay, I guess…
Finally, she let go, and he collapsed onto the pleasantly cold sheets. ⎼ Su⎼ baru⎼ he mumbled and grabbed her hand. If she is just but a hallucination… He tugged lightly. He didn't have the strength. The girl sat down next to him, leaning in slightly.
No. Even if it's just a dream .
He pulled her hand to his lips.
⎼ Stay, please ⎼ he cried out and closed his eyes. Even if it's just sleep, he can't afford it ⎼
He tenderly kissed bare skin.
He can't afford to hurt her ⎼
He drifted away.
…
Something cold and wet laid on Nasusawa's forehead as he opened his eyes. He touched his forehead. ⎼ What is this… ⎼ He removed the still damp cloth. He looked around the room, his eyes widening.
⎼ Darn. ⎼ he cursed.
Hoshina slept in the armchair next to him, wearing the clothes he'd left her. The hazy memories of the night punched him in the stomach. He paled. The headache or general fatigue now seemed completely trivial and secondary. ⎼ What the hell have you done… ⎼ He buried his face in his hands, his breathing growing faster and heavier by the second. He frantically looked around the room, hoping to find something to confirm the theory that it was all but just a dream. He found nothing. Only Hoshina Subaru sleeping in the large armchair and his pathetic reflection on the TV screen.
All that carefully constructed facade... All those years. It all crumbled in one night. The memory of him calling her by first name struck him. Then, as if nothing had happened, he kissed her hand and muttered— He pursed his lips. Pursed them so tightly to the point it hurt. Nausea overthrew him. He got up from the unfolded couch and ran straight to the bathroom, slamming the door. He slid down the door and sighed loudly, burying his face in his hands.
He let a few frustrated tears fall across his hot skin, then splashed icy water on his face to calm nerves and chase away the unpleasant feeling. He had to apologize to her.
He remembered her gentle touch and gripped the edges of the sink tighter. He shouldn't know this feeling. He should have never experienced it.
Because now functioning without it would be a thousand times worse than before.
Her cool hands on his cheeks and forehead were the greatest comfort, and the feelings he had held back since high school seemed dangerously close to coming to the surface. They seemed to be spilling out of him and, he couldn't regain control over them.
He tied his longish hair into a ponytail and brushed his teeth. If he was ever to show up before her eyes again, it would not be as a disgusting coward. He had to make her feel so uncomfortable. He bit his teeth on the toothbrush. For him, her touch was a source of comfort, but for her… with all the trauma and baggage she carried. He had to cause her so much pain.
The medication she gave him last night must have worked, because he didn't feel as delirious, and his temperature seemed to have dropped. Although he'd probably prefer it all to be just a dreamlike hallucination caused by a cold.
As he entered the living room, he noted the girl's absence in his mind. She must have already left… He sank onto the couch and rested his head in his hands.
⎼ Natusawa? ⎼ He heard footsteps and looked up in surprise. She returned, dressed in her usual clothes.
⎼Oh… I⎼ he mumbled and clenched his fists around the sheets. Everything seemed to be spinning.
He felt a familiar chill on his forehead. He grimaced and, against himself, pulled his face away. He didn't want to force her to do anything more. The girl took her hand and pressed her lips together.
⎼ Did⎼ she looked to the side.
⎼ Do you remember anything? How are you feeling? ⎼
She asked in a slightly anxious voice. Natsusawa just looked at her, confused.
⎼ You had a high fever, and I think you fainted in the kitchen. ⎼ she muttered.
He pursed his lips. Suddenly he bowed. He didn't trust his legs enough at that moment to support the weight of his guilt.
⎼ I'm sorry Hoshina! If⎼ If I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry! ⎼
⎼ No! No Natsusawa. ⎼ she panicked.
⎼ Sorry. ⎼ he repeated, and she sat down a bit further away.
⎼ Don't apologize. How are you feeling?
⎼ Better. ⎼ He stared at the floor.
⎼ I⎼ She glanced at her hand and then at him. Something changed in her gaze.
⎼ I⎼ ⎼ The storm is over. Thank you for your hospitality, and I can't thank you enough for letting me stay the night. I'm sorry I caused so much trouble if you felt bad. ⎼ she said in one breath.
⎼ I should get going. See you at the university on Monday. ⎼ He held out his hand, but she was already halfway to the door. She wasn't causing any trouble-. The door closed before he could say anything more. Disappointment spread through his chest, leaving an unpleasant, bitter taste on his tongue and a little too much burden on his chest for him to carry.
He fell onto his back and looked at the ceiling.
⎼ Darn it! ⎼ He slammed his clenched fist hard against the mattress.