Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Stage One: Self-Doubt

The subject begins to doubt their place amongst their mate/mates, usually without prompting. If left unchecked, their doubt can quickly snowball into self loathing This stage usually lasts the longest, and typically doesn't end, even during the next stages. Stage one is the baseline of all cases regarding mate madness.

You're so loud! Omega's aren't meant to be so outspoken, you're mates must be so embarrassed to be seen with you right now!

Leo sighed, shaking his head softly side to side in a futile attempt to rid himself of the criticisms flooding his head. He should have been used to them by now, he was no stranger to his own doubts about his legitimacy as an omega after all, but this was different than before. Before, the only opinion he cared about was his own, and he certainly didn't worry about what was and wasn't "omega-like", whatever that meant. But now...

Now he was mated. To four people, no less. And their opinions certainly mattered to him.

"You alright there?" a strong voice rumbled from beside Leo, shaking him out of his thoughts. Leo glanced up to see Micah, his concerned gaze planted firmly on Leo's face.

Leo cracked his neck, loosening the negative thought from his brain. "Yeah," he replied. "I'm good. Just lost my train of thought." He pointed his nose towards the woods, only a few meters away from the grassy field they were sitting in. "I saw a cardinal. Got distracted." 

He wasn't necessarily lying. He had seen a cardinal, its bright red feathers hard to miss amongst the dark foliage, but he had only been paying attention to it to keep himself from talking. He didn't want to be loud. He was meant to be quiet, small. He was an omega, after all.

There were five people in Leo's pack, including him. They operated like a typical pack, all with their own roles to play. Micah and Charlie were the alphas of the group, the protectors, the tough, steady supports that tasked themselves with taking care of the pack. Rain was the wildcard of the group, switching between alpha and omega instincts depending on the situation, as well as what he personally wanted and needed at any given time. As for Leo and Ren, they were the omegas, the softer, more empathetic pack members, following their alpha counterparts and doing their best to keep the pack functioning as it should.

At least...that's how it was typically meant to be.

And for the most part, it was. Charlie and Micah were both strong, steady leaders, and while Charlie was typically the more aggressive of the two alphas, both had no problem fighting to protect their mates if needed. They were both assertive and overall the most dominant of the group, often taking it upon themselves to do the heavy lifting within the pack. On the flip side, Ren was far more soft spoken, gentle, and compassionate than anyone else in the group, at least when it came to anyone outside the pack. He was more of a follower than a leader, happy to let his mates take charge while he sat on the sidelines, following whatever they decided to do without complaint (usually).

As for Rain...well, he couldn't really do much to breach his role, considering betas were extremely naturally flexible instinct-wise. 

They all had their roles, and they all played them well. Everyone, that is, except for Leo.

And sure, he knew that "traditional relationship roles" were outdated, and quite frankly, bullshit. It was a lot more common for relationships to be outside of the old norm in their current year, and he was more than happy with that. He had more room to be himself, without having to worry about conforming to stupid roles based on his secondary gender. If he had been single, or with other people, he probably wouldn't have thought much of it.

...But he did have mates. Mates whose personalities all naturally fit with their traditional roles. Leo was the only outlier, the only one who strayed from how omegas were commonly seen. He was loud, crude, obnoxious, stubborn, and far more outspoken than omegas typically were, both with his mates, and in public. He hadn't been all that concerned about his personality when he had first started dating them or even when they had first become mated, but as of recent, he had become more...insecure, about his place in the pack. He was the puzzle piece that didn't fit, no matter how desperately he tried to connect himself with the others, no matter how hard he tried to be what they wanted.

Especially when there was another omega in the pack.

"Mm," Micah hummed, seeming to take that response. "Understandable. They're pretty birds, aren't they?" 

Leo murmured in agreement, not looking at Micah. Instead, his eyes traveled to where Ren was sitting, the other omega's head pressed firmly against the side of Charlie's jaw. Charlie had clearly been raving about something, getting himself fired up as usual, and Ren had done what he always did to calm angry alphas down, scrunching himself up in Charlie's lap, making himself small in the face of his alpha while he talked gently up at him. It made the alpha feel like he was in charge, like he was in control, like he had something to keep him grounded. Clearly it had worked, since Charlie was no longer upset, instead wrapping his arms around Ren's crumpled up form in a protective sort of hold. Rain was with them, sprawling himself out on the small potion of Charlie's lap that was still free, looking up at his mates and yapping happily about whatever it was that was on his mind. Ren's hand was tangled in the beta's black hair, ruffling it slowly as they basked in each other's presence. 

A pang of jealousy shot through Leo. It had always been so easy for Ren to submit to his alphas when the situation called for it. Leo couldn't do that, not the way Ren did. It made him feel weak.

He hated feeling weak. 

The pang of jealousy quickly turned into guilt, and Leo averted his eyes. He didn't view Ren as competition, he really didn't. In fact, he adored Ren, just as much as he adored his other mates. Leo loved how sweet his mate was, how gentle, how kind, how loving. Ren had always understood him the best of his packmates, probably due to their shared second gender, but there was something deeper to it, a connection that Leo could never, ever wish to replace. Ren was the sun, the ray of light that brightened up Leo's life, as well as his mates’ lives. He wished he could bask in Ren's light forever, protecting his precious rays from anything that could dim them. 

No, Ren wasn't competition, not in the slightest. But he was everything that Leo wasn't. 

Ren was what certain parts of society wanted omegas to be. A "proper" omega, so to speak. He was the type of omega that Micah, Charlie, and Rain wanted. He was soft and empathetic, submissive and needy, quiet and calming. He was by far the most domestic of the pack, and while they hadn't discussed pups in much detail before, Leo knew that Ren wanted them, his nurturing nature yearning for smaller, more vulnerable creatures to care for, to raise and love in a way he couldn't with just his mates. That wasn't the case for Leo. He didn't mind the idea of one day having pups with his mates, he'd be ok with that as long as he didn't have to carry them, but it wasn't as much of a need for him as it was for Ren. 

Leo wished he could cater to his mates the way Ren did. He wished he was better suited towards being the perfect omega. He wished-

A surprised squeak left Leo's mouth when a pair of hands wrapped themselves around his waist, half-dragging and half-carrying his body into Micah's waiting lap. The alpha was looking down at him with a soft glimmer in his eye, his gaze warm as Leo looked up to meet it. "I know that look," he murmured, his voice soft. "Your brain's all over the place right now, isn't it?"

"It always is," Leo joked, immediately putting himself on guard. Micah had always been able to read him quite well, ever since they had first met, and the last thing Leo needed right now was a concerned alpha trying to probe information out of him. 

"Mmm," Micah hummed, pressing a small kiss to the top of Leo's head. His hands wound around Leo's stomach, slipping under the fabric of the omega's shirt until they were pressed against Leo's bare tummy, caressing it softly with his thumbs. "Anything worth sharing?"

Leo let out a shaky breath, his negative thoughts temporarily forgotten in the face of such an intimate gesture. Normally, Micah only slid his hands under Leo's shirt when...well, when he wanted to start something with his omega, so him doing so out in public? Where anyone could see? It was a little jarring. Not that it was unwelcome though, Leo was happy to have any of Micah's attention, no matter how it made his stomach heat up at the physical contact. If Micah was trying to distract him right now, it was certainly working. "Not...Not really. Just have a lot of thoughts running through my head, is all." 

Micah didn't look entirely convinced, but he let it slide, burying his head in the crook of Leo's neck and inhaling deeply. His lips traced the skin covering Leo's neck, kissing alongside the omega's muscles and jaw every so often as he continued to hold the slight bump of Leo's stomach, his hands warm and gentle. "I love you," Micah whispered, his nose bumping up against Leo's cheek affectionately. "I'm glad we could go out like this. It's nice, more peaceful than we normally get around the house." 

Despite his previous hesitations, Leo couldn't help but let a small purr escape his lips, his mouth curling up into a small grin at his mate's words. He turned his head, pressing his nose to the top of Micah's forehead and holding it there for a couple seconds, Micah's warmth soaking into his skin. Micah always knew what to say and when to say it, even if he didn't necessarily know they were the words Leo needed to hear. It was one of the things Leo loved so much about him, one of many, many attributes. "I love you too. And it is nice, being out of that stuffy apartment. The fresh air is easier on my nose than the dust in our complex."

Micah snorted, grinning from ear to ear as he looked down at where his hands were currently resting. "I keep telling the landlord he needs to get someone to clean out the vents, but he never listens." He grumbled, raising his head a little. His eyes traveled from Leo's torso to the other three in front of them, watching curiously as their mates conversed with each other. They were still in the same positions as before, with Rain laying across Ren and Charlie's laps, his hand batting at the long, hanging strands of Charlie's blond hair every so often. The conversation seemed to be a little heated, although not unfriendly in any way. Probably a debate or something. "What do you think they're talking about over there?"

Leo turned his head to the side, but the wind brushing past his ear was working against him, its currents carrying his mates' voices in the opposite direction of where he and Micah were sitting. Still, he could hear snippets of their words, their conversation audible enough for Leo to guess they were talking about some movie franchise, or something of the sort. "Some movie, can't tell which one though. Looks like they're arguing about it, whatever 'it' is."

"Let's find out!" 

Without waiting for Leo to respond, Micah picked him up, his body jerking in what felt like a falling movement before firm hands steadied him. Leo instinctively wrapped his arms around Micah's neck, letting out a surprised noise as he tried to keep himself from tilting over again. It seemed like his alpha was waiting for him to get comfortable, because after Leo steadied, Micah began slowly walking, his heavy footsteps flattening the grass beneath him as he got closer and closer to their other mates. 

"Hey, put me down! I can walk, you know!"

Micah chuckled from above Leo, his grip only tightening. "Nope, I like carrying you around. Let me hold you, it's not that far. See, we're almost there!"

Sure enough, the alpha only took a couple more steps before stopping, lowering himself and Leo down simultaneously in front of Rain, Charlie, and Ren, their mates now looking at them happily, still chattering but making enough room to include the two next to them. Micah set Leo down on his lap again, and they settled in, Rain stretching out his legs as far as they would go over Leo's limbs.

A hand placed itself on Leo's knee, the one closest to his mates. Ren was smiling at him from under Charlie's chin, one hand still entwined in Rain's hair, the other now rubbing up and down Leo's leg softly. It was nice. 

All the self-deprecating thoughts left Leo's head as he inserted himself into his mates' conversation, letting himself lose all thought besides what was needed to converse with them. He was fine. Everything was fine. They loved him, and he was enough.

...Right?

Leo shook the lingering thought away, and turned back towards his mates. 

It had only gotten worse from there.

The increase in self-doubt started off slow, as it had been in the months before, but it was still noticeable. Little things here and there would set Leo's mind off, a change in tone, a look he couldn't decipher, a sentence phrased weirdly. Nothing too concrete to prove anything about his mates' stance on him, not even close. If anything it was the opposite, but it was enough to rile Leo's mind up. He tried chalking it up to his autism, he had always had trouble unpacking certain social clues, but he had a hard time believing that when the rate at which his thoughts increased so dramatically, compared to before.

But despite it all, he did his best to ignore it, keeping himself as distracted as possible while his mates suspected nothing, completely in the dark. It was fine, he could get over this, he would get over this, it was nothing to dwell on. 

Then Micah's behavior began to shift, and months worth of potential buildup came crashing down on Leo all at once.

In retrospect, that's probably what kicked everything off, or at least made it worse than it would have otherwise been. Not that Leo was blaming Micah, it wasn't his fault, he didn't want to hurt anyone, it was really just a problem with Leo. There was something wrong with him.

It had started when Leo noticed how Micah looked at him. There had been a pup around, Leo had been aware of that, but he hadn't been paying them much mind, keeping to himself and continuing to mess around on his phone, waiting for Ren to come back to their booth with their food. Micah had his head turned, watching the pup intently, a small smile gracing his face, but Leo didn't pay that much mind either. Micah was fond of pups in general, so it wasn't abnormal for Micah to pay attention to them when they were running around in public. 

And then, right when Leo had looked up enough to see Micah more clearly through his peripheral vision, Micah shot him a look.

It was just a glance, nothing big, but there was still something there that tickled at the back of Leo's mind. The alpha's eyes had looked normal, but there was a sense of...longing? Want? Affection? Leo couldn't tell, but there was something more in Micah's warm gaze, something that wasn't normally there. 

Then Micah looked away again, and Leo pushed the uneasy feeling out of his mind, shaking it away. It was just a glance. Nothing else to it.

But then it happened again. A pup had been present, and Micah gave Leo a glance, the same one as before. It had lasted a little longer than the first one, but it had ended soon enough, and Leo had shaken the thought away again, thinking nothing of it.

It wasn't until roughly the fifth or sixth time the glances occurred (not that Leo was keeping track) that Leo began to understand what was going on. 

His suspicions were confirmed two days later, when he and Micah had been shopping. It had been a normal routine run, he, Charlie, and Micah just out to grab some groceries for the week, the three of them looking at their own respective lists. They had decided it would be easier to split the total list into three parts and split up, each one of them taking a third of the list to scrounge around for. 

They arrived at the store, took three separate carts, and set out. Leo had been in charge of mostly snack foods and toiletries, so he had spent his time in those designated aisles, searching around for everything on his list. He hadn't anticipated running into either of his mates, at least, not until he ended up at the checkup lines.

So when Leo walked past the pup aisle, he didn’t anticipate needing to backtrack, the fuzzy image of his comically tall mate standing around and looking at all the pup clothes, an unexpected sight to his surprised eyes.

“Uhhhhh, Micah?” Leo announced his presence, walking backwards until his mate was in view, his cart in tow. “What are you doing over there? You looking for something?”

Leo guessed Micah hadn't seen or smelled his presence, because the alpha jumped, turning around as if startled by Leo's sudden approach. He looked almost guilty, which was weird, because as abnormal as his behavior was, he hadn't actually done anything wrong. "Oh, hey babe. When did you get here? I didn't see you."

...Interesting tone of voice he had there. Still, Leo could be mishearing things, or misinterpreting them. He always had been bad with identifying tones, after all. "Just now. I was on my way to get more of Ren's shampoo and conditioner. Why are you in the pup aisle? I thought you were out to get more meal based foods."

"I am." Micah replied, his hand rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "But I went to the small little book aisle they have here first. There was some title that just dropped that Ren was looking for, so I decided to see if they had it. I couldn't find it unfortunately, but it's fine. I'll just get it for him online."

His eyes darted away, gazing back up at all the little toys and clothes shelved in front of him, clearly intended for infant pups. "The food aisle is on the other side of the store from there, so I decided to cut through these other sections to get there faster, but I uh....I got distracted. I've just kind of been looking at everything I walk past, and that's how I got here." 

"Mm." Leo hummed, his only real reply. He wasn't sure if he believed that, Micah had never been one to be easily distracted, but doubting his mate wasn't something he liked to make a habit of, so he ignored his nagging questions. "Fair. Not much here to look at though. I doubt anything we need is in this aisle."

Leo walked closer, making sure his cart was in eye shot before abandoning it as he walked closer to his mate. Almost absent-mindedly, he looked to the shelves, snagging a small pink and white striped infant onesie that was hanging on a hook beside him and holding it up to Micah, as if comparing the two. "I'm not sure you'll fit into this. Maybe if you try hard enough you'll be able to squeeze in, but I doubt it."

That got a laugh out of Micah, and Leo felt his muscles slowly relax, tension seeping down and off his shoulders. It was comical, trying to imagine the huge alpha attempting to squeeze into a tiny pup onesie, especially when Micah's foot alone was probably bigger than the piece of clothing was. But besides comedy, there was really no reason for them to still be there, in the pup section, so it was about time they moved on and gave other shoppers some room-

"I don't know, maybe I should try, it can't be that hard, can it?" Micah joked back, and suddenly the look was back, this time directed straight at Leo while he was looking right back at Micah, and fuck, it was a little hard for Leo to deny what Micah wanted when his gaze was so warm, so wanting, his pupils darting from Leo to the piece of clothing he was holding, and then back to Leo, the alpha's smile only growing more tender with each passing second. 

Leo would have to be a fool to miss the signals Micah was putting down.

The nagging thoughts about pups became a full blown worry for Leo then, even as they left the aisle together, walking as far as they could before heading off to their separate destinations. Leo's thoughts continued to claw at him as he picked up his remaining items, as he made his way to the checkout line, as he pushed his cart to their car, unloading all of his stuff before hopping in, the last to finish his shopping. Neither of his present mates had picked up on his racing thoughts, a good thing really. Leo would hate to bother them, but even in their presence (especially in their presence), Leo's brain refused to shut up. Micah wanted a pup, clearly there could be no doubt, but there was so much more to think about. Did the others want a pup too? Had they talked about this yet? How soon did they want one? Was this just pup fever, or was Micah truly serious about having one? Where would the nursery be? Probably the guest room, right? Were they even ready to have pups at all? They were still pretty young, only in their mid twenties...

But the most pressing question, the question that sent waves of barely concealed fear down Leo's back was this: Was he the one Micah was expecting to carry it?

Lord, he hoped not. He couldn't. The idea alone made Leo want to vomit. He could already feel the horrific bump of something kicking at his insides, something growing deep within him, something unwelcome and invading forcing him to carry it around, altering his body in the worst ways...

No. No, he wasn't going to get pregnant. He didn't need to get pregnant. He had told Micah before that he was planning on getting a hysterectomy. It had been toward the beginning of their relationship, but he had still mentioned it.

Plus, Ren was in the pack, and he was more than capable of carrying a pup, Leo knew he was, because Ren had told him so before. In fact, Ren had mentioned it several times, both to Leo and to the others, how much he would love to carry a pup of his own once they were all ready and financially stable enough to do so. There was no need for Leo to do it, and even if Ren had changed his mind, even if Leo was the only possible option, he was under no obligation to do so. He wouldn't. If he had to get pregnant, if he had to grow something inside of him...

There was no point dwelling on it anymore. It wasn't going to happen, so he should just stop thinking about it, right?

But...shouldn't he want to do this? He was an omega after all, wasn't he built to do that? Wasn't this his job? What was wrong with him?

No. No, it was fine. He wasn't going to do it, he wouldn't. He wasn't obligated to. Omega's didn't need to get pregnant to be valid. He was fine the way he was.

But...what if his mates didn't agree?

Leo's mates were his whole world. He would hate to disappoint any of them, especially Micah. How was he supposed to deny Micah a pup after all the alpha had done to make sure he was safe and comfortable? 

No, stop thinking . It's fine, it's fine, everything would be fine, he wasn't going to carry a pup, he was fine, his mates weren't going to leave him, stop thinking stop thinking-

Leo's brain continued to race for the rest of the car ride, unable to be soothed.

"Leo, sweetheart? Can I talk to you?"

Leo jumped, tensing up with shock before relaxing again. It wasn't Micah who was calling for him, it was Ren. Micah wasn't even in the house. There was nothing to worry about. He wasn't going to ask...

Leo unconsciously shuttered, the question in his mind to scary to acknowledge. The past couple of weeks had been very anxiety inducing for him, especially when it came to a certain red-headed alpha. The discovery of Micah's deepest desire was not giving Leo any piece of mind, especially when he had made an unfortunate discovery, one he wished he hadn't noticed.  

Micah wasn't looking at Ren the same way.

Leo had come to this realization after a solid month of watching Micah's behavior, his observational skills dramatically heightened since the day at the store. He had managed to calm himself after that store visit, reminding himself over and over that Ren was also a part of their pack. The only thought that had managed to calm him down was the fact that Ren was with them, perfectly capable and willing to carry a pup. That was the only thing keeping Leo from spiraling out of control, from ripping his uterus out with his bare claws at any moment's notice. He didn't have to carry a pup, he wouldn't be letting his mates down if he didn't, because Ren was there.

But Micah wasn't looking at Ren the same way. 

It was only him. Leo was the only one Micah looked at with such longing, with such tender affection. Leo was the only one Micah seemed to make a regular effort in bringing up pups around. Leo was the only one Micah would sneak up behind, slipping his hands under Leo's shirt and holding his stomach lovingly. Before, Leo had thought it was just a sign of affection, or a delicate touch to get him going, but with everything that had been going on, and with the increased frequency at which Micah was pulling this old trick, Leo couldn't deny that this had gone from a simple gesture of love to something much greater, a symbol of what could be there, under Micah's expecting hands-

Leo had hoped, prayed even, that he would catch their alpha staring at Ren the same way, with the same needy love, or see him slip his hands under Ren's shirt, or hear Micah bring up pups around the other omega, even if it was just once. But he never did, he only ever did anything like that with Leo, and the worst part is, besides the glances, he only ever dropped hints when it was the two of them, alone together. 

The message was clear: Micah wanted pups, and he wanted Leo to have them. 

Why? Why him? Why just him? Why not Ren? They were all in a pack together, why not want the same of Ren? Why only Leo? What was so special about him? Ren was working, but so was Leo, so jobs weren't really a factor, it couldn't be. Maybe it was because Ren was still in school, it took a long time to earn a doctorate degree after all, but it wasn't as if Leo wasn't also trying to forward his career, he was just taking different steps than Ren was, that's all. And besides, Ren was doing his doctorate program online, so it wasn't like he had to leave the house...

Well, he supposed it would be unfair to ask Ren to have a pup while he was still in school, but couldn't the same thing be said for Leo? He was so, so close to becoming a licensed therapist, he just needed to complete his supervised experience hours, and yeah, that may take a while, but he had already gotten a bachelors and a masters degree, so what was a year or two more before he became licensed? He wouldn't give that up to carry a pup and be a stay-at-home dad, he couldn't afford to, he was too close for that. It just wasn't something he was willing to sacrifice, not to mention his crippling fear of pregnancy in general. He could be a parent just fine if he wasn't expected to carry the pup, or stay at home with it at all times, but otherwise...

He needed a break from all of this. On top of all his other inadequacies, he now had to worry about disappointing his mates, or at the very least, disappointing Micah. He didn't want to do that, he couldn't afford to do that, but he also couldn't carry a pup, he just couldn't. He didn't know what to do. How could he do his job, how could he keep everyone happy, without actually getting pregnant?

He didn't know. Shouldn't he know? He was an omega, wasn't he supposed to know-

"Leo?"

"Oh shit, sorry." Leo shook his head, looking up from his computer screen. He'd been reading something, trying to keep his mind off of pregnancy and all his anxiety. It clearly wasn't working well. "Got distracted. What's up? Is everything ok?"

Ignoring everything else that was freaking him out in the moment, there was one other thing bugging Leo. He wasn't an expert at tone, as he'd been reminded many times, but something about the way Ren said "Can I talk to you" didn't exactly scream low-stakes conversation to him. Had he done something wrong? Forgotten to take the laundry out? Or the trash? Did he leave his clothes around again without realizing? Lord he really was the worst, he couldn't even do simple chores right-

Ren walked toward him, wiping the hands he had just washed on the side of his jeans before sitting across from Leo at their dining room table, his face kind, but...worried? "That's what I would like to know," he asked, pulling out a chair and sitting down neatly. Even when doing something as simple as sitting he was elegant, a far cry from Leo's clumsy mannerisms. "Is everything ok?"

"...Uh, yes...?" Leo responded, his face scrunching up a little with confusion. What was Ren talking about? Was something wrong? Had he done something? "...Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no, not at all!" Ren reassured, waving his hands as if to dismiss the thought, but after a moment his face grew serious again, his eyes staring intently at Leo's face. It unnerved Leo a little, although he wasn't about to say that out loud. "But...you've been on edge lately. For a while, actually. The last couple of weeks...I don't know, you've just seemed more anxious than normal. Especially around Micah. It's like you've been walking on eggshells around him. I tried seeing if he noticed anything, but he waved me off, so I figured I'd check in with you."

Oh. Yikes. Was his apprehension that noticeable? He had been trying his hardest to act as normal as possible despite his anxiety, was it really that easy to see past the mask he had put up? 

A small, shaky smile appeared on Leo's face, as convincing as he could make it, but a sudden pang of fear had shot through him, throwing his non-chalet appearance off. He didn't want to lie to his mate, but what if his honest answer upset Ren? What if Ren was hoping Leo would carry Micah's pups too? What if this shattered Ren's dreams of a perfect little family? "I'm...I'm fine. Just been on edge recently. It'll go away after a while, it always does. Don't worry about me."

A moment passed, neither of them saying anything. Leo had hoped that that would be the end of it, but to his dismay, Ren only reached across the table, his hand reaching out to grab onto Leo's already slightly outstretched arm. His face was still kind, but there was more concern in the creases of his eyes than there had been a minute ago. He wasn't going to drop this, was he?

"Leo." He sighed, his fingers interlocking tightly within Leo's own. His grip was strong, firm. Leo didn't think he was going to let go, not until he answered his questions. "I know something's up. You can't lie to me, I know you too well for that. You've been more...stiff, than you normally are. At least, from what I can see. You always have this look on your face, and every time I see you interact with Micah, it's like you're trying to pick your words carefully before you speak. Did something happen between you two?"

Shit. Curse Ren and his observational skills. Leo had been more anxious, that much was true, but he hadn't realized his change in behavior had been noticeable, especially when all he was really trying to do was avoid reminders about pups. It wasn't working well, but he was trying. "No, no, nothing happened between us. Everything's the same as it's always been. I've just been a little jumpy lately. It has nothing to do with any of you. It's..."

Leo paused, trying to find the word. "More...personal, I guess. Personal issues. Not your problem, or Micah's. Really, you don't need to worry about me."

He tried to smile, but his attempt fell flat. He could tell it wasn't a very convincing smile. 

Ren frowned at that answer, suddenly leaning forward, more so than he had before. "Baby," he murmured, his voice soft and comforting. It would have seemed almost patronizing, if anyone but Ren had been speaking. "Your anxiety wouldn't happen to be related to how Micah's been acting around the subject of pups recently, would it?"

Ice froze in Leo's veins, his entire body stiffening up. He felt like he couldn't breathe. How had Ren figured it out? Shit, was he disappointed in him? Was he upset? Was Leo already ruining the relationship he had with his pack, even without realizing it? Besides Micah, Ren was the next most enthusiastic about the prospect of having pups, was Leo hurting him by showing outward fear about the whole thing? Was Ren hoping Leo would carry a pup too, only to have his dream dashed by Leo's apparent fear?  Lord, he was a terrible mate, a bad omega, truly the lowest of the low in terms of packmates, he didn't deserve to be here-

"Hey, baby, calm yourself, it's ok, it's ok." The hand in Leo's hand went lax, and suddenly Ren was there, beside him, nuzzling his cheek with his nose in a comforting motion. When had he moved? Leo wasn't sure. "I'm sorry, I knew that your anxiety had something to do with that, but I didn't mean to scare you, not this badly. I think this is a conversation we should have in a more soothing spot. Here, let's move to the nest, ok? Shhh, it's ok, it's ok..."

"I'm fine, really, I am." Leo's voice was surprisingly steady, a far cry from how he was feeling on the inside. Surely Ren wouldn't judge him, right? Ren was generally a kind, understanding person, he wouldn't be mad at Leo, right? But what if... "We can move to the nest if you want, but it's not necessary. I'm ok. I'll be fine. I can..."

He can what? Calm himself? Control himself? Clearly not. Not with the way he was acting now. Not with the dark thoughts swirling around in his head.

...Why had he become so pathetic? Why had his thoughts spiraled so far? Everything had been fine just a couple months ago, why had he suddenly gotten so much worse than before?

He didn't know. Maybe it had always been this bad. Did it matter, in the end?

Ren looked like he didn't believe Leo, doubt shining brightly in his brown eyes. "Ok, well, I'd feel better if we could move to the nest. Is that ok with you?"

Leo sighed. That was bullshit and he knew it, but he would look like an asshole if he said no, so he nodded his head slowly, moving to pick up his computer and get off his chair. "If it'll make you feel better, then yeah, ok."

His words sounded harsh, even to him, but he didn't know what else he was meant to say. Ren was no doubt going to question him, and he was already growing frustrated with the answers he was trying to formulate in his head. Why did Ren have to clock him so quickly? It would have been much easier if he could have kept it all to himself, but nooooooo-

A flash of guilt hit Leo as he got up, Ren grabbing his hand softly as they made their way to the bedroom. He couldn't get frustrated when his omega was only trying to help, it wasn't fair to Ren. He only wanted what was best for Leo. Maybe...Maybe talking about it would help? maybe Ren would be understanding, maybe he would...he didn't know, calm him down maybe? Reassure him things weren't too bad?

Leo suppressed a small keening noise. The nest wasn't sounding so bad after all. 

They got to the nest, the blankets neat and tidy from where Rain and Charlie had made it earlier. Ren stood beside Leo, seemingly waiting, and with some hesitation, Leo clambered in, trying his hardest not to sink as far as he could into the blankets, curling them around him in a desperate act of reassurance. No, he waited, watching as Ren climbed in beside him, his taller mate, slipping gracefully under the covers before grabbing them around him, bunching them every which way in a pattern he knew Leo liked. It was nice, to know his mate cared enough to memorize his nesting patterns. Maybe he wasn't so worthless after all, if Ren was putting in the effort to keep him at ease.

Ren suddenly stopped, seemingly satisfied with the way the nest was shaping up. Leo took that as his cue to shuffle closer, pressing his side awkwardly to Ren's, until they were sitting shoulder to shoulder.

A disapproving look crossed Ren's face. "Mm mm." He hummed, his hands going under the blankets again, finding Leo's body and forcefully pulling him closer, until the smaller omega was directly on top of his lap. "You're not gonna keep your distance. I want you close to me. It'll make me feel better."

Again, complete bullshit, but Leo accepted the touch, snuggling closer to Ren's warm chest. The physical touch made him feel safe. It made him feel grounded. That, grouped with Ren's scent (jasmine had always been Leo's favorite smell), and the warmth and comfort of their nest, made for a much more relaxing environment than the dining room table had been. Leo could already feel his thoughts mellowing out as the seconds crawled by, the self-loathing dying down little by little. Maybe...Maybe he had been overreacting. Just a little bit.

"So..." Ren started, the vibration of his voice rumbling through his chest and into Leo's soul. "What's happening up there?" He tapped Leo's head with his nose, pressing his lips to the top of Leo's shaggy brown hair. "Are you ok with talking?"

"Mm." Leo let out a small purr, more for self-soothing reasons than anything. His hands curled into Ren's sweater, kneading the threads that made up the article of clothing. He was too tired and too comfortable to fight back anymore. "You were right. It... it does have to do with Micah. And pups." He paused, his eyebrows furrowing. "How did you know?"

A small breath sounded out above Leo. "You aren't the only one who noticed Micah's shift in behavior." Ren murmured, his hold tightening around Leo. "I'm not sure if Rain and Charlie have noticed, but it was obvious to me, especially when you've been reacting to it. He's been acting differently around pups recently hasn't he?"

Ren paused for a second, shifting Leo in his lap a little. "I guess more fatherly is the only way I can describe it, or more parental. And he's been bringing them up more in conversation too. He's never talked about Natalia and Stella's pup more than he has in the last month or two, as well as other people's pups. I didn't think much wrong with it, but then you started leaving the room when Micah brought them up, and well..."

Silence.

"...I guess I have been doing that, huh?" Leo answered, his voice muffled by a blanket Ren had pulled near his head. He had thought he was being slick, but if Ren had noticed, then he clearly hadn't been as secretive as he meant to be. "I thought I was being discreet. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't apologize, you did nothing wrong." Ren's hands squeezed Leo's, an all encompassing warmth flooding through his skin at the touch. "I don't think he's noticed. Neither have Charlie and Rain. Maybe it's because I'm an omega that I figured it out, but either way, I don't think they know."

Ren paused again, seemingly debating his next words. "When...when did you figure out he wanted pups? Or, well, when you realized he wanted them now?"

The memory of the store visit popped into Leo's head, clear as day. "A store visit. I found him in the pup aisle, just looking at stuff. He tried to excuse it as him just passing through, but I had already noticed him staring at me whenever there was a pup around. I had my suspicions before because of that but..." Leo quieted, shifting from side to side anxiously. "I guess that just confirmed it for me. That I was right."

A small snort escaped Ren's mouth. "Yeah, same thing happened to me. Except I didn't approach him. I just smiled and wandered off before he could see me."

Another pause, this one longer. Ren seemed to be really analyzing his next words, although he didn't really need to. Leo knew what he was going to ask. He wished Ren would just get it over with.

"Baby," Ren started, a small dose of nervousness creeping into his voice, "Do you not want pups anymore?"

Leo let out a breath. They had never had a sit-down conversation about pups before, but Leo had offhandedly mentioned he was ok with raising pups when it was relevant to the conversation. That must have been enough for everyone, at least at the time, but Leo was realizing that maybe he should have found an opportunity to sit them all down and tell them he didn't want to get pregnant. He had alluded to it, several times in fact, but it must not have been enough in volume or in clarity for his mates to understand his fear.

"It's not the pup part that scares me," Leo responded after a moment, his voice much quieter than normal. "Not raising them, at least. I'm fine with raising pups. I'd be happy to be a dad. It's pregnancy that scares me so much. When...When I first noticed Micah's glances, I was fine with it, because I thought all he wanted was a family."

Leo stopped, clearing the tears from his throat. When had they gotten there? "But then I noticed more about the way he was staring at me, that he wouldn't look at you or Charlie or Rain like that, and he's been holding my stomach a lot lately, and-"

A sob rose in Leo's throat. He could feel Ren's arms wrapping themselves tighter around him, and he buried his face in Ren's chest, resisting the urge to wail in pure fear. He hadn't let himself cry over this, it would have been pathetic of him, but something about speaking his fears aloud, to one of his mates no less, one who really wanted pups alongside Micah, was just getting to him. It was like he was no older than a pup himself, too incapable to keep his emotions at bay. "He wants more, Ren. More than just the idea of me as a parent. It's not that Micah wants to have pups that's freaking me out, it's that I think he's expecting me to carry them."  

He sobbed again, and again, and the wail he had been trying too hard to suppress welled up inside of him until he couldn't push it down anymore. He couldn't hide his thoughts or his fear anymore. 

"I should have told him," he bawled, his tears staining Ren's sweater. "I should have told all of you that I didn't want to get pregnant. I've hinted it before, I know I have, I think I even told Micah that I was planning on getting a hysterectomy when I could because I didn't intend to carry pups, but I don't think I've outright said how scared I was of pregnancy, and now it's biting me in the ass. It's just... every time we've talked about pups, it's always been talked about like you would be carrying them! You've always said you can't wait to carry pups, that you'd be more than fine being a stay at home dad for a while, until the kid could go to daycare, and I had hoped that your interest and my lack of it meant that I wouldn't ever have to carry pups." He sniffed, gripping the sweater between his fingers impossibly tighter. "I know this is my fault, I should have told all of you before we got mated, I just..."

"Woah, woah, slow down sweetheart." Ren cooed, shifting himself again, this time turning on his side so that both he and Leo were laying down. He curled Leo up closer, moving one of his hands from under the blankets to Leo's back, rubbing it softly. "It's ok, you're ok. Has he never actually asked you? Have none of them?"

Leo sniffed, wiping his tear-streaked face with one of his sleeves, fat load of good that was going to do. "...No. But it doesn't matter, I should have told them myself. I thought that the hysterectomy comment I made was enough, but that was well over three or so years ago. I can't blame him for not remembering, or thinking that I changed my mind. I didn't follow it up with anything, so...he probably just forgot."

Ren sighed again. "He probably did. I thought...I would have thought they would have already asked you about that, especially with the way Micah's acting now. They asked me when we first got together, I thought they would have done the same for you. He really didn't check?"

"...No." Leo shook his head, trying to slow his breathing down. "But I should have been the one to bring that up. It's kind of expected that omegas are ok with pregnancy, I don't blame any of them for not asking. This is my fault."

Ren's legs shuffled a little, his hand bringing Leo's head under his chin. "No, don't even say that." He kissed the top of Leo's head, leaning up a little to pull the blankets higher up over their bodies. "We don't expect you to carry pups just because you're an omega, none of us do. Nobody should. The blame lies on all of us. We should have known to ask you. I should have known to ask you. If I was in your place, I would have been freaked out too." 

"But I shouldn't be freaking out!" Leo exclaimed. His claws extended slightly, and forced himself to retract them, unwilling to hurt Ren unintentionally. "This should be something I want! It's in my biology, isn't it? And I love Micah, I really do, I just...why does it scare me so much?!"

"Because it is scary." Ren whispered. He grabbed onto Leo's hand reassuringly, interlocking their fingers in a decent attempt to keep Leo from extending his claws again. "It can be beautiful, and wonderful, and amazing, if bringing new life into the world is something you want to do. But...it changes your body. You are carrying a growing thing within you, after all. It limits you, and it changes you, and the thought of something using your body to live for months on end is horrific if that's not what you want in life, or if you aren't passionate about creating a new life. It is a really serious decision to think about, and it's more than ok to decide that it's not what you want for yourself. It doesn't matter what your biology is, just because you can, doesn't mean you have to want to. There are tons of omegas that are satisfied without having pups, let alone carrying them. It's perfectly ok for you to avoid pregnancy."

Ren's words made sense, of course they did, but Leo wasn't sure he believed him. It was easy for Ren to say that. He wanted to carry pups. He didn't get Leo's fear, he didn't understand what it was like to become paralyzed with terror at the mere thought of having to carry something inside of him. Ren might have some fears, sure, but not enough to dissuade him, not as many as Leo had. He didn't understand what it was like to feel like such a disappointment for not giving his mates what he wanted, especially when Ren would have accepted Micah's supposed proposition in a heartbeat. Ren was perfect for their mates, he was the omega they surely wanted. He was soft, sweet, and best of all, submissive. He never had to worry about disappointing their mates, not when he was exactly what they desired.

Leo felt another pang of guilt. He hated doubting his mate, he really did, but how could Ren possibly understand the way he was feeling? 

"I can't do it." Leo whispered. He knew he was repeating himself at this point, but he was too delirious to care. His head hurt, he was covered in tears, and he just couldn't shake the all-consuming fear now controlling his mind. "I can't get pregnant Ren, I can't. I can't have something growing inside of me, I can't have something live within me, I refuse. It's my body, something else taking over it...I won't do it, I just can't. The thought alone makes me want to rip my stomach out until I'm sure there's nothing there, and if I were to actually get pregnant, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it, but I don't want to disappoint him, I don't want to disappoint you, I want to be a good mate, I want to give Micah what he wants, I just can't-"

"Shh, Shh, it's ok baby, it's ok." Ren shushed, rocking Leo's body back and forth in a small, yet soothing motion. Normally, Leo would have hated being treated like a pup, he was a grown man after all, but right now, when he was this out of it with fear and sadness, Ren's coddling was surprisingly calming. "You are a good mate. You're not gonna get pregnant, and you certainly aren't going to disappoint any of us. Lord, Micah adores you, you're his omega, he wouldn't feel any different if he knew you didn't want to have pups. We love you no matter what you want to do in regards to pups, and we would never, ever be upset with you for deciding to not carry them. Especially when I'm willing to do so. I promise, no matter what, we will love you forever. It's gonna be ok, nothing bad's gonna happen to you, you're fine, everything's gonna be fine..."

Leo didn't believe him. Maybe he wasn't a disappointment to Ren, but Micah? He would hate him after this, he would never want to talk to him again. They would leave him, Micah at the head, and surely Ren would follow, unwilling to lose the others just to stay with Leo, of all people. Micah may love him now, but later? When Leo proved to be utterly useless to him? All affection would be lost, he'd probably regret ever talking to or mating with Leo in the first place, he'd probably convince the rest of them to leave him behind, if Leo couldn't provide pups for his mate, then what use did he truly have? This was probably what Micah expected from him all along, so why would the alpha ever want to stay with someone who shattered his dreams?

"Leo, baby, look at me." Ren tilted Leo's chin up, the smaller omega's tear-filled eyes moving up to meet Ren's own. "I'm being serious. You believe me, right? Please tell me you do, because I promise you I'm being honest. Micah's not gonna hate you, nor is anyone else, ok?"

"...Ok. I believe you."

Leo hated lying to his mates, especially someone as trusting and sweet as Ren, but what choice did he have? he couldn't bother Ren any more than he already had, not when his worries were about their other mates, not when there was nothing Ren could do to change the unavoidable truth. He was just...too pathetic to help, an embarrassment of a mate. Surely no other packs had to deal with this issue, right? it had to be just him who was this awful, right?

A breath above Leo tickled the hair on his scalp. "Good. That's good. I don't want you stressing about your place in the pack this much, ok? We love you, and we love you for you . You will never disappoint us by not wanting something." Ren paused, rubbing Leo's shoulder reassuringly. "but...if you want me to talk to Micah about this, I can. I can ask him to knock it off, or tell him about your concerns, if you would like me to-"

"No, please don't!" It came out as a whine, an embarrassingly high pitched statement that Leo would have ordinarily cringed at, but right now, he was too desperate to care. "I don't want him to think I'm upset with him. And it would be cowardly for me to have you tell him of my fears on my behalf. If anyone's gonna share those concerns, it should be me."

Leo sniffed, bringing up one of his sleeves to wipe at his eyes. He needed to stop crying, he was being pathetic and he knew it. "But...how do I even bring it up? I don't want to make him feel guilty, but telling him now will definitely tip him off that he's been freaking me out, intentionally or not. The last thing I want is to make him feel bad, especially when he didn't do anything wrong."

A pause.

"...Maybe you won't need to. They asked me about pups, right?" Ren gave Leo a reassuring smile, one that could have convinced Leo everything would be alright, if he had been less distraught. "So he'll probably do the same for you. If Micah is really serious about having pups anytime soon, I'm sure he'll ask you how you feel about pregnancy and parenthood before officially proposing the idea of having pups. He'll probably ask all of us. After all, it is a pack decision, so maybe he's just waiting for the right moment?"

"...I guess."

Leo doubted it. Surely he would have asked by now, right? There was no way he was going to check before asking Leo to carry pups, it already seemed like he thought Leo would be ok with it. Micah wasn't exactly being slick with what he wanted, even if he hadn't said it out loud. It was only a matter of time until he asked for real, and Leo really didn't want to disappoint him when he did. 

A cold nose pushed its way into Leo's cheek, Leo squeaking in surprise as it did. Ren was nuzzling his face, a small smile gracing his features as he rubbed his jaw along Leo's, his stubble tickling Leo's skin. "I'm sure he will. I know it's worrying you, but Micah's a good mate. He would never ask you to carry pups without talking with you about pregnancy first, I promise. Just...give him some time. Who knows, maybe this whole thing will blow over, and you won't have to worry about it anymore!" 

Despite his hesitations, a small, watery purr started up in Leo's chest. He appreciated Ren's efforts to cheer him up, he really did, even if he didn't fully believe most of what his omega was saying. Still, it was nice to cuddle up with his mate in their nest, just the two omegas, completely surrounded by warmth, and no stressors besides Leo's own brain in sight. He wished he had half the comforting power Ren did, all he was ever able to do for his mates when they were upset was cuddle up to them and give them awkward reassurances. 

"...Thanks." Leo croaked out, burying his face in Ren's sweater once again. "Thanks for comforting me. You're right, it'll be fine, everything's gonna be ok. I guess...I was overreacting a little, huh?"

Ren snorted. "Not you weren't. I get it, really, I do. It's a scary thing to have to face. I understand why this is causing you so much worry. You've always wanted us to be happy, and the idea that you might disappoint us is frightening. But I promise, nothing like this could ever make us upset with you. You're our precious mate, and if something will cause you so much distress, then we don't want it. Understand?"

"Mm."

"Good. Now, we've got about an hour until Rain gets home, and I don't feel like getting up until he does. You wanna stay in the nest for a bit and take a nap? The rest might help you calm down, and it'll be nice to lay with you, just the two of us. We don't get much omega time, do we?"

A small breath of amusement left Leo's nose. "No, we really don't. Can we...Can we nap together? This is nice."

"Of course." Ren's smile grew wider, his hands temporarily leaving Leo's body to rearrange the blankets around them, covering both of their bodies until they were warm and comfortable, snuggled up against each other. Ren nosed Leo's cheek one last time before settling in, their faces still mere inches apart as they laid side by side. "I could use a midday nap too. Dream well, my love."

Leo echoed Ren's wishes, snuggling closer and closer, until he was completely smushed against Ren's warm body. He still didn't believe much of what Ren had told him, the dark thoughts swarming his head in aggravating hives, but he did his best to ignore them, closing his eyes and forcing himself to fall into a dream-like state, just slightly shy of actual unconsciousness. He needed a break from all the fear, all the anxiety, all the crying. He needed Ren's words to be true, no matter how unlikely. He needed rest.

...And who knows. Maybe Micah would ask him about pregnancy before proposing he carried pups. Maybe there was no need to worry. Maybe...things would be alright.

...

As always, he was wrong.

Leo had been washing the dishes when Micah sat on the couch behind him, silently watching Leo's every move. A large pit opened in the bottom of Leo's stomach at the instinctual realization that Ren had been wrong, and the time had come.  

It was just the two of them in the room, the other three members of their little pack getting ready for bed in their shared bedroom. Moonlight streamed into the dimly lit apartment through the open window above the sink. Leo inhaled a deep breath, taking in the cool, crisp night air. It calmed his nerves slightly, but not as much as he was hoping it would. Off to his right, Leo could hear the faint sound of their voices through the wall, teasing and throwing light hearted insults at each other, a nightly ritual that Leo was usually a part of. The only reason he wasn't in there currently was because it was his turn to do the dishes left over from their dinner, a fact he was sure Micah had been planning to use to his advantage for a while now. Still, despite his apprehension, he appreciated that at the very least Micah was asking him without the others present. It would be hard enough disappointing one of his mates, he couldn't imagine how awful he would feel if he let every single one of them down in one go. 

The two of them remained in the eerie silence for a long while, only broken by the steady stream of water flowing from the kitchen sinks' faucet as Leo worked. He closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing as much as humanly possible. He didn't want Micah to know how much he had dreaded this moment, how afraid he was of the disappointment that was sure to follow. He managed to keep himself from shuddering, re-opening his eyes and fixing his expression into his regular resting face, hoping Micah hadn't figured out anything was wrong yet. 

Leo briefly wondered if Micah was going to say anything at all, when the alpha opened his mouth to speak.

"How was your day?"

His voice was soft, softer than normal. He was drawing this out, Leo realized. He wanted to work his way up to what was on his mind instead of just coming out with it, probably because he thought it wouldn't be as shocking to Leo when he finally asked. 

Leo swallowed the bile rising in his throat. He wished Micah would just spit it out. Spit it out and be done with it. 

"It was all right, nothing special. How was yours?" Leo's tone remained casual, as if this was just a regular conversation. Micah couldn't have known how Leo was fighting to keep his words steady, dread circulating throughout his body as he spoke. 

Please, get it over with, just ask and be done. 

"About the same as usual." Micah paused. "Actually... I wanted to ask you something."

Leo swallowed down a mewl of distress, trying to keep himself from shaking. This shouldn't have been as nerve-wracking as it was, all he had to say was no, but fuck, he would be letting his mate down. He hated that, he hated that he couldn't just be ok with it. He was an omega, this is what he was made for, so why? Why did the thought of carrying a pup make him want to rip his skin off? He didn't understand, why did he have to be such a terrible omega? He couldn't even do his biology right!

"Mmmm?" Leo hummed, not trusting his voice enough to say real words. He continued scrubbing the plates in front of him, trying to let the rhythmic motions of the sponge on glass calm him. It wasn't working, but at least it kept up the unbothered, unsuspecting image he was hoping to project to his mate.

Micah took in a shuddering breath, eagerness radiating off of him in small bursts. "How do you feel about having pups?"

Leo stopped momentarily, breathing in deep before continuing his cleaning. "You mean, like raising them?" He was deflecting and he knew it, but he didn't know what else to do. He was just delaying the inevitable, he guessed. "I mean... It might be nice. I don't know the first thing about parenting, but I could learn. There's enough of us that it wouldn't be too taxing on any of us, I think..."

He wasn't necessarily lying. He would be fine, happy even, to raise a pup with his mates. But he knew that wasn't what Micah was asking, not entirely, anyway.

A small squeak sounded through the room as Micah stood up from the couch, his footsteps echoing off the walls as he slowly walked towards Leo. The omega kept his back turned, suddenly frozen with a mix of anticipation and dread. He tried to continue washing the few dishes left in the sink, but quickly gave up on pretending to care when Micah stopped right behind him, bending over enough to wrap his arms around Leo's torso. A small noise left Leo's throat when he felt a large hand make its way under his shirt, caressing his stomach lovingly. It was a gesture that normally got Leo going, but now, it only made him feel nauseous. It wasn't hard to imagine what was running through Micah's head. He was probably imagining what Leo's stomach would feel like, round and heavy with his pup, feeling it kick weakly against the stretched skin. Wondering what it would be like to snuggle up to his pregnant mate, him and their other mates doting and loving on Leo every second they could, not letting him do any heavy lifting around the house, or at work. It sounded like heaven to Micah, but in Leo's mind, it was absolute hell. The idea of something, especially something living growing inside of him, using his body to survive whilst changing it in a horrific way, was the most terrifying thing he could possibly think of, whether he was made for it or not. 

"Sorry," Micah chuffed, dipped his head so it was pressed against Leo's neck. Leo tried to resist swallowing for the umpteenth time, knowing Micah would feel it. "I should've been more clear with what I was asking. What I really want to know is..." he rubbed Leo's stomach for emphasis, his arms holding on tightly to the omega's torso, "do you want to carry my pups?"

He paused again, waiting for the question to sink in before continuing. "We... I've been thinking about it a lot, and I would love nothing more than to have a pup with you. I know we're relatively young, but we'd take good care of you, all of us. We want to start a family with you, and..."

Leo tuned the rest out. All he could focus on was that one little word. 

We.

Leo was suddenly very aware of the lack of noise coming from their bedroom. Normally, his mates would be just as boisterous as before whilst waiting on him to finish up his chore, but tonight, the room had fallen suspiciously quiet.

Leo bit back a bitter, dry bark of laughter. They knew all along. Well, at least Rain and Charlie knew all along. They knew what Micah was going to ask ahead of time, and were eagerly awaiting his answer as much as the alpha behind him was. Which also meant that they wanted this as much as Micah did. Leo was the only one who didn't. So much for not disappointing all of his mates at once.

The realization sent a wave of pure panic through Leo's body. He could have maybe faced turning Micah down, as painful as it would have been, but all of them at once? He couldn't do this, he couldn't. He wanted to run, to hide somewhere where no one could find him, to go anywhere that wasn't there. All of a sudden he found himself craving his childhood bedroom, the one place he'd ever had that was just his own, and no one else's. he wanted his old nest back in his room, he wanted to be hidden under the blankets, snuggled where nothing could get to him, he wanted his comfort items, he wanted-

"-eo? Sweetheart?" Micah's concerned voice rang through the haze of Leo's thoughts. Leo was dimly aware that at some point, Micah's hands had left his body, instead firmly grabbing his shoulders in what was supposed to be a grounding motion. 

He was shaking, he realized. His breathing had turned ragged with fear, and he was willing to bet any amount of money that his scent had sharpened with distress. No use hiding how he felt any longer. He slowly lowered the plate he'd been holding, careful not to drop it despite his unsteady hands, gripping the edge of the counter for support once his hands were free. He fought to gain control of his breathing, blinking away the tears that had started to gather there. He didn't look Micah in the eye, keeping his back turned to the now very concerned alpha behind him. He already fucked up by showing his distress, but he wouldn't allow anymore weakness to slip through. He refused to be that vulnerable, not now.  Steeling his nerves, he steadied his voice as much as he could before responding.

"I can't." He forced out, surprised at how little tremor there was in his tone. "I'm sorry, I just can't."

It took effort, but Leo managed to straighten his back, his hands releasing their grip on the edge of the counter and moving to shut off the water still steaming from the tap. He dried his hands on the towel hanging nearby, sighing at the ever present feeling of eyes watching him, waiting for him to say more.

No words came. Leo still didn't turn around. 

A hand released Leo's shoulder and gently tried to grab his arm. Leo flinched. The hand hesitantly withdrew.

"...I'm sorry," Micah whispered after a moment, seemingly afraid of setting Leo off again. "Are you... are you ok? Did I say something wrong?" 

Micah's voice sounded level, but Leo had known him long enough to be able to detect the confusion and sadness lacing his mate's words.

The guilt that Leo had known would come washed over him, choking him until he felt like he couldn't breath, fresh tears springing to his eyes. It wasn't Micah's fault. It had never been Micah's fault. All he wanted was to start a family with the people he loved most, of course he hadn't thought anything bad could come of asking. They had never talked about pregnancy before, he couldn't have known how terrified Leo was of it. And now here he was, crushing his mate's dreams simply because something he couldn't explain was wrong with him. Micah didn't deserve this, none of them did. They just wanted a family, a family Leo couldn't bring himself to provide. He really was a terrible mate, wasn't he?

"I'm fine," Leo choked out, trying to clear the tears from his throat. "Really, I'm fine. I just can't be the one to carry your pups. I'm sorry."

Sucking in a deep breath, he finished cleaning his hands off and re-hung his towel, settling his face back into the most natural expression he could manage. He paused for a moment, then turned towards the bedroom door, keeping Micah out of his line of sight as much as possible. "I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go get ready for bed."

He didn't wait for Micah to answer before making his way to the bedroom, swallowing his tears down before he reached the door. The closer he got, the easier it was for him to hear the sound of scurrying feet getting farther away from the door.

Leo closed his eyes, renewed guilt bubbling inside his chest, before grabbing the handle. 

He pushed open the already ajar door, immediately greeted by the sight of his remaining mates sitting casually on the bed. A normal, almost mundane sight, if Leo ignored the unusual silence suffocating the room, and the three sets of eyes planted firmly on him, their gazes more hawk-like than normal. They were strewn about the bed in various poses, Rain and Ren sitting on the bed facing each other, while Charlie laid straight out on the bed, his eyes flicking up to Leo's face before going back down to his open phone. Rain, bless him, had the most I'm-guilty-but-I-don't-want-people-to-know-I'm-guilty look on his face, his head whipping around at the sound of the door creaking open while his eyes darting nervously from Leo's frame to something behind Leo. Charlie was doing a much better job at hiding his emotions, his eyes looking at Leo briefly before going back to his phone, looking almost bored at whatever was on the screen. As for Ren... he just looked mad, an expression he tried to suppress as Leo walked in the door. 

"Took you long enough." Rain said, a small, nervous smile plastered on his face, like he didn't know what had just transpired in their kitchen seconds ago. "You ready for bed?

Leo shook his head, making his way to the bathroom door. He couldn't get away from his mates soon enough. "Not yet. I'm gonna go brush my teeth, maybe step in the shower for a couple minutes. I feel sweaty." 

He met Ren's gaze, surprised to find that the other omega was gazing at him with a far gentler expression than he had had moments ago. "You do that," he whispered, shooting Leo a reassuring smile. "Take as much time as you want. I need to have a word with these three anyway."

His eyes hardened, and Leo was suddenly even more glad to be leaving the room his mates were in. Ren was a gentle omega, very forgiving, and rarely angered. But when he was...

Leo hoped his mates were prepared for their omega's wrath. 

"Thanks," Leo said, and without waiting another moment, he closed the door to the bathroom, locking it behind him for good measure. 

Before he realized where he was going, Leo stumbled over to the shower and numbly twisted the knob. Ice cold water shot out from the showerhead, splashing the tub below before swirling down towards the drain. Leo retracted his hand, backing away from the shower until the back of his knees hit the rim of the toilet. For the first time since their conversation, Leo allowed himself to collapse, his body landing on the toilet seat before folding in on itself, his head in his hands. 

Tears sprung to his eyes, blurring his vision before dripping from between his lids, staining his skin and the floor beneath him with the salty liquid. He hated himself. He hated himself so much. He was a terrible omega, he didn't deserve to have his mates, or any mate, he didn't deserve to have Ren defend him, he didn't deserve to call himself a good mate, a good omega, a good person. Why couldn't he just be ok with pregnancy? Why couldn't he be happy that his alpha wanted him to carry his pups? A good omega would have been over the moon at Micah's proposition, especially when there was another omega in their bonded pack. Micah could've asked Ren, but he didn't. Micah asked him . Micah had given him one of the highest honors to many omegas, and he had declined it. He didn't deserve to be happy, not after he had made his other mates so miserable. 

Leo brought the skin of his hand to his mouth and bit down, not hard enough to make himself bleed, but hard enough to hurt. He needed to hurt. He would have done more, done worse to himself, but he knew that his mates would be able to smell the blood if he did, even through the shower. He supposed he would just have to wait for the feeling to die down, or for his mates to fall asleep. 

Through the haze of steam and the sound of water pelting the tub, Leo could hear murmured whispers from the bedroom. Against his better judgment, he lowered himself off the toilet, crawling his way to the door before resting his body against the cool wood, careful not to make a noise. He pressed his ear to the door. 

"-n't understand, what did I do wrong? Did I say something to offend him? I've never seen him react like that to anything , what set him off?" Micah tearfully whispered, confusion and desperation for answers evident in his voice.

Guilt crushed down onto Leo's chest once again, and he had to muffle a sob. He'd had never heard the alpha so distressed before, it was almost as if Micah wanted to wail out, but couldn't in fear of Leo hearing.

"It's not your fault," someone soothed, too quiet for Leo to make out the voice's origin. "None of us knew he would react like that, least of all you. It was just a question, you couldn't have known he'd be upset."

Leo almost jumped at the loud snort that followed those words, a drastic difference from the hushed tones preceding it. Deafening silence followed the noise before a small, antagonistic voice spoke out. "Yes you could've. Don't bullshit yourself. I could've told you he'd react like that. Why do you think I was trying to get past you two?"

More silence. Then another, equally angry voice. "How?" Again, a pause. Then the voice returned. "Do you wanna enlighten us on how you knew instead of just standing there, glaring at us?" 

"Charlie." Micah's soft, yet commanding voice rang out. "That's enough." A pause. "Ren?"

Ren didn't hesitate. "Because I did what you clearly didn't do, which is talk to him about pregnancy prior to asking him to get pregnant. You know, like you're supposed to do with your mate before you demand they carry your pups."

Leo was glad he wasn't in the room, he'd never heard Ren this pissed before. He suppressed the small bit of joy he got from being defended. He hated hearing his mates fight, especially over him, and especially over something that was entirely his fault.

Rain piped up, his voice confused. "He didn't demand it though? He just asked. I don't understand what the problem is."

"Oh my fucking-" Ren cut himself off, waiting before speaking again. "He did not 'just ask'. He started off by asking, sure, and then he immediately went into a spiel about how all of us had already discussed and decided that this is what we wanted, which we did not do by the way, maybe you three did, but I didn't, and Leo certainly wasn't a part of that conversation, and then he started talking about this future pup as if Leo had already said yes and that this was a sure thing that was going to happen, all without listening for his answer first. I mean, seriously? You are not this dense, I know you aren't. ‘We want to start a family with you,' 'I can't wait to have a pup with you,' 'you're gonna be a fantastic father.' That is not 'just asking,' that is 'we've already decided that this is what's going to happen.'" 

More silence. No one spoke. 

Leo's head was reeling. He had heard Micah say that they wanted to start a family, but he had completely missed everything else Ren had just brought up. Bile rose in his throat. Just how much of their conversation had he tuned out? 

"Oh," Micah breathed, shocked. "Oh Ren, you're right. I did do that, didn't I? Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to force it on him, I really didn't. I just... I just assumed that he was ok with it. I mean, he said he was ok with having pups, didn't he? And we've discussed raising pups before today as well. I assumed that meant he was ok with carrying them too."

"Exactly." Ren spat out, still as pissed as before. "You assumed . Raising pups and carrying them are two different things. You didn't specifically ask him how he felt about pregnancy, and I'd be willing to bet all our money you've never heard him say anything even remotely hinting that he wanted to carry pups either. You just hoped he was fine with it and ran with it."

"Ok." Charlie's voice was back, much more subdued than before. "You're right. We screwed up. It was a complete dick move to assume he was fine with it without actually confirming it. But I still don't get what made him so... so scared! He knows we would never hurt him...right?" Charlie trailed off. "I guess I just don't understand why he couldn't say no without freaking out. I know I sound like an ass, I don't mean to, I just want to understand."

Leo heard a sigh, and then Ren came back. The anger had left his voice, replaced by complete and utter exhaustion. "This is why you should have talked to him beforehand, without all the pressure. If you had, you would have known that he is absolutely terrified of pregnancy."

A long, long pause. Then a small whisper, almost too quiet to hear. "He is?"

Leo backed away from the door. He didn't need to hear the rest of their conversation. He didn't want to think about it any longer. They could talk about how terrible of an omega he was without his prying ear.

Tuning the rest of their quiet murmurs out, Leo quickly removed his clothes, crawled his way to the tub, climbed in, and curled up at the bottom. He let the hot water pelt him until his skin turned pink, hoping that after enough time had passed, he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the shower water and his tears. 

His mates were still awake when he exited the bathroom. They had turned off the lights, but even in the gloom, he could see the concern shining in each and every persons' eyes. Leo was shocked to see that instead of them saving a spot for him next to Micah, his sleeping area was in between Ren and Rain. Normally, Micah would fight tooth and nail to be snuggled up with Leo in bed, and even when he wasn't, every alpha was touching an omega in some way when they slept, usually with Rain in the middle. But now, Micah wasn't touching him or Ren, and Leo could tell just by gazing at his alpha that it was killing him. His eyes had dulled significantly, want and guilt reflected in his pupils as he stared sullenly at Leo. His scent had weakened, barely present in comparison to his mates. Even Rain's scent was stronger than Micah's, an extremely rare phenomenon amongst their pack. 

It took everything in Leo's being not to cave into sleeping with Micah. His instincts screamed at him to curl up next to Micah, to press himself as far into the alpha’s skin as he possibly could, but he refrained, pushing his urges aside. He loved his alpha dearly, but he needed space more than Micah needed him.

After a little hesitation, Leo jumped onto the foot of the bed, crawled in between Rain and Ren's bodies, and slipped under the blankets that made up their nest. He noted with appreciation that there were more blankets in his nesting spot than there normally were. Ren's doing, no doubt. The two alphas and beta didn't have the same appreciation for the art and language of nest making.

Leo flipped himself onto his side so that he was facing Rain, his back flanked by Ren. Rain didn't hesitate to pull Leo's upper half onto his chest, wrapping his arms around Leo's torso and tucking Leo's head under his own. Leo nuzzled the fabric of Rain's sweatshirt, taking in a deep, long breath, Rain's fresh, linen scent hitting his nose. This was nice. It was moments like these where Rain was what Leo needed, even more so than his other mates. Naturally, as a beta, Rain wasn't as overwhelmingly protective as Charlie and Micah, and he also wasn't as emotionally needy as Ren and Leo himself often were. Of course, he had his moments on both sides of the spectrum, but on a normal basis, he was the most neutral of the pack, the most reliable, calming presence when Leo needed something less overwhelming than the clinginess and overprotectiveness of his other mates. 

Not to say that Rain wasn't clingy; he definitely was, but during moments like these, his clinginess was more reserved in comparison to the others. 

Ren smushed himself into Leo's back, his body creating a protective wall between Leo and Charlie. His arms snaked their way around Leo's body, careful not to touch his stomach, while Ren brought his head to Leo's neck, burying his nose into the skin there. Leo scooted backwards until Ren's chest was laying flush to his back, soaking in the warmth his mate radiated. 

Neither alpha present attempted to touch Leo. He wasn't sure if it was because they wanted to give him space or if they were just scared of setting him off again, but either way, he was grateful for the distance, although he couldn't ignore the guilt that was still burning in his chest, making it hard for him to breathe.

Leo closed his eyes, curling further into Rain's chest. Sleep couldn't come soon enough.

...

It was the middle of the night when Leo woke up, panic and fear swamping his chest, his body shaking violently. He was sweating profusely, and at some point during his slumber, tears had started to fall from his closed eyes, rolling down his pale cheeks as he shook.

Leo shook his head. Everything was hazy, his brain cloudy as he tried to collect his thoughts. A nightmare. He had had a nightmare. It was faded, the details unclear now that Leo was in the waking world, but he remembered the gist of it. He wasn't sure where it had taken place, it could have been his apartment, it could have been his childhood home, it could have been the middle of the highway for all he could remember, but he did remember that his mates had been there, they had been there, but then they left. They left him on his own, without saying goodbye, without telling him why or where they were going he knew why, without even writing a note , leaving him scared and alone and-

Leo shuddered. He needed to get away from his mates. Thankfully, they were still asleep, but they wouldn't be for long if Leo didn't leave the room. The fear lacing his scent would wake them up. He didn't want that, he couldn't let his mates see the state he was in.

Carefully, Leo sat up, gently removing Rain and Ren's arms from around his torso. Ren let out a groan and for one tense second, Leo thought he had woken up. But Ren remained asleep, unconsciously curling his now free arms closer to himself. Rain remained dead to the world, not even twitching at Leo's absence. 

As quietly as he could, Leo sat up, slid his legs out from under the blankets, and crawled past his mates slumbering bodies, making his way to the edge of the bed before stepping off. Somehow, he made it off the bed and to the door without so much as a creak, allowing him to exit the room without disturbing the other four men in the room. 

Leo opened the door, slid through the small crack he made, and then shut it. He turned his body towards the rest of the apartment, letting his feet carry him wherever they wanted instead of his head. They seemed to know where they were going, even if Leo didn't. 

His footsteps were muted as he plodded his way towards the guest bathroom, the one that wasn't attached to his bedroom. He stopped at the door, hesitating slightly before opening it. It made a small creaking noise, but the bathroom was too far away for his mates to be in any danger of hearing it. Leo stepped in, closed the door, locked it, and turned on the lights.

Bright fluorescent light flicked on, blinding Leo for a moment before his eyes adjusted. The bathroom was nothing special: it had a tub, a showerhead, a toilet, and a sink with a cabinet below, all standard for an apartment bathroom. It was a lot smaller than the one connecting to the bedroom, and a little less nice, but it was still an adequate bathroom by normal standards. Despite the places to sit, Leo remained standing by the door for a couple of minutes, his body swaying back and forth with exhaustion and anxiety. He put one hand out to catch the counter, keeping himself from landing face-first on the hard floor as he tried to fight the overwhelming emotions swirling in his head.

the dream replayed in his brain, the fuzzy details becoming more clear the more he thought about it. He saw his mates leaving him over and over and over again, his mind replaying the scene every time it came close to ending. He remembered how barren the apartment looked, now that all of the stuff belonging to his mates had been packed up and taken away, moved to wherever the other four were headed. Their scent had disappeared, leaving only Leo's in the apartment that felt too big without the others to occupy it alongside him. He remembered the fear, the terror of not knowing where his mates were going, and the terror when he realized that they wouldn't be coming back for him. He was all alone, abandoned by the people he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Leo's breathing picked up, his scent thickening with distress until even he could smell it. Of course, he knew it was a dream, it wasn't real. His mates were still in the other room, sleeping peacefully. Truthfully, it wasn't the dream itself that had scared him. 

What scared him was that it could happen. It probably would happen, now that he'd proven to be useless to them.

He knew, with his whole heart, that one day, he would come home, and they, along with all of their stuff, would be gone. They wouldn't say goodbye, they wouldn't tell him where they were going, they would just leave, leaving Leo all on his own. Now that they knew he was a useless, broken omega, now that he had crushed their dreams, they would realize they chose the wrong omega to implement into their pack, and they would leave. Maybe they would find a new omega, one who would be more than happy to carry their pups. Maybe they would realize that they didn't actually need a fifth mate, that the four of them were more than enough to fulfill everyone's needs. Their pack had existed long before Leo joined them, and it would exist long after they left him. Either way, they wouldn't have room for Leo, whatever it was they chose to do. He hoped that when they did leave, they found the happiness he couldn't give them. He hoped they would have the family they were dreaming of. He hoped they were never burdened by the thought of the omega they left behind.

Meanwhile, he would remain here. Alone, like he deserved to be. Mated but mateless. Because he would never be able to bring himself to remove their mating marks, no matter how much it would sting to be abandoned by them. 

But it was fine, really, it was. He'd survive. And if he didn't, who would care?

Well, maybe Michelangelo would, but he was a cat. He'd go back to living with Leo's mom, and after a while, he'd forget Leo even existed. 

Leo's knees popped as he knelt down, his skin meeting the cold tile floor. He opened up the cabinet under the sink, looking around at the various tools and items stashed under the pipes, hidden away until they were needed. His hands began reorganizing the items, his eyes searching for a certain object, before his hand found the crinkly texture of a plastic bag. Weird. He couldn't remember what was in that bag, or even that it had been there in the first place. Maybe one of his mates had stashed it there?

He grabbed the bag, bringing it out into the light, where he could inspect it better. The bag was a modest brown color, the same color of any old plastic bag one would put their groceries in at a store. Leo opened up the bag, expecting to see nothing more than toothpaste, toothbrushes, maybe a couple condom boxes who's buyer was too embarrassed to have out on display. Unfortunately, it was none of those items. Leo's heart dropped. 

Pregnancy tests. The bag had a box of pregnancy tests in them, as well as a receipt.

Leo grabbed the piece of paper and looked at the purchase date. 

He felt like he was going to throw up again. Whoever had purchased these had done so that day. They must have hidden them away where they figured Leo wouldn't find them, not until after they had asked him, at least. Had they really been so confident that he would say yes? Were they planning on making this supposed pup that night? 

The guilt suffocating Leo only thickened at the realization. They had been so excited. They just wanted a pup. He really was the worst. 

Before he could continue staring at the box, Leo shoved it back into the bag, threw the bag under the cabinet, and resumed his search, this time more desperate than before. He didn't want to think about the box any longer, he didn't want to see the box any longer, the sooner he could shut the door, the better. His vigorous search proved successful when he found another box, this one being a more welcome sight than the last, one that had been stashed at the very, very bottom of everything else in the cabinet. 

He thought he had kicked the habit, he really had. He never had any intention to go back on his promise, one he made to himself and his mates. It had been harder and harder to keep that promise in more recent times, each day making Leo feel more useless than the last, but he had been too determined to hold strong. Not anymore. It was too much now.

Maybe Leo had always known it would come to this again. After all, when he had bought the box, he had already made the resolution to stay clean. He hadn't even known why he had bought them at the time. His brain had justified the purchase, reassuring him that it was just in case the razor he was currently using broke, but if that had been the case, he wouldn't have stashed it where his mates rarely ever looked, under every piece of junk they already had under the sink. 

Leo brought out the still-new looking razorblade box, and opened it. 

...

Everything hurt. Not just the shredded skin underneath his chest, but his hands, his eyes, his legs, everything.  

It could have been a lot of things, to be fair. He had been lying down in a cramped tub for the past hour, letting scalding hot water raining down from the showerhead assault his already sensitive and bleeding skin. He had also been crying, which certainly wasn't helping his eyes. 

Leo looked like a hot mess. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, small tears still dripping out of them. His whole body looked more pink than normal due to the hot water, minus the space under his chest, which looked to be a darker pink than the rest of his body, probably because of all the cuts. They had stopped bleeding at that point, having been run under the water for at least 30 minutes after the last cut was made, but they still looked irritated, and they hurt even more than the instance in which they were made. His normally fluffy brown hair was lying flat against his skull, a combination of the water that had hit it and the natural flatness that occurred after he had slept on it for a bit. He had gone from lying straight down to curled up into himself, his teeth gritting at the pain. Who knew that hot water and fresh injuries didn't mix well?

Well, Leo did, but it had been a long time since he had used that knowledge. 

It must have been close to 1:30 in the morning at that point, and thankfully his mates had remained asleep, even with the absence of Leo's body and the sound of the shower running, albeit from far away. Leo slowly peeled his body from itself, swallowing a hiss of pain at the sting, before sitting up and turning off the shower. Now that the cuts weren't bleeding anymore, he was at no risk of being exposed by his mates, not from his scent, at least.

He had learned in the past that unless a wound was bleeding or infected, no one would be able to detect an injury based on smell alone. So unless his mates actually saw his skin, he was in the clear. The real problem came with intimacy. His mates were almost insatiable when it came to each other's bodies, and to be fair, Leo wasn't much better either. He would never be able to hide his body until the cuts healed.

He guessed he would just buy a shit ton of scentless, waterproof, skin tone makeup. Shouldn't be too hard. 

Despite the pain, Leo felt a little better. The urge to hurt had lessened with the pain, leaving his head a lot clearer than it had been prior. The guilt was still there, as well as the fear, but they too had become manageable now that Leo felt he had given himself what he'd deserved. The stinging pain on his flesh was his punishment for hurting his mates, and now he had experienced the same level of discomfort he had inflicted, just in a different form. 

Leo stood up, his joints aching as he cautiously stepped out of the tub. His feet met the much colder floor as he bent down to redress himself, hissing slightly as the fabric of his shirt rubbed against his fresh wounds. The shorts he was wearing didn't cause him any pain, and after hiding the razorblade back in the cabinet and confirming that there wasn't a single trace of blood left anywhere in the room, he opened the door again, creeping out into the wider apartment and making his way towards the bedroom door, steam bellowing out from the bathroom behind him. 

He could hear Micah before he could see him. The guttural growls and rumbles reached Leo's ears through the door, alarming him greatly. What was going on in there? had Micah woken up and figured out he was gone? Panicked, Leo opened the door, not attempting to be quiet any longer. 

All of his mates were still asleep, including Micah. His back was turned away from the door, so Leo was unable to see his face, but the noises the alpha was making, plus the thick, distressed scent coming from him was enough to tell Leo what was going on. His mate was having a nightmare, which was a little concerning since Micah never got nightmares. 

Leo crossed the room as quickly and as silently as he could. He didn't want to wake his other mates, although he was surprised none of them had woken already. Maybe the noises had just started? He wasn't sure. Either way, he made it to Micah's side, kneeling down to take a look at his alpha's face. 

Micah's face had contorted into a look of pure despair, his eyes scrunched up and his teeth bared. Leo assumed he was angry at first, dreaming about some sort of threat, but then he saw the subtle twinkle of a tear running down Micah's face, and he realized what was actually happening. Micah wasn't angry, he was scared. Scared of what, Leo didn't know, but for Micah, of all people, to be scared? It must have been bad. Something must have happened to him in the dream, if not him, then one of his mates. 

Leo reached out a tentative hand. He was still a little wary of his mate, but right now, his alpha needed him. And after all Micah had done for him? He deserved to have comfort when he needed it.

Leo touched Micah's arm lightly, jumping back when his mate flinched violently, the alpha's teeth flashing unconsciously. He settled after a moment, but his noises never stopped, his scent only thickening. It made Leo dizzy.

"...Micah?" Leo whispered, creeping closer to his mate once again. He didn't want to wake Micah, but maybe hearing his mate's voice would help, even while he was sleeping. "Micah, are you ok?"

Micah's face relaxed a little as Leo spoke, a small, desperate whine leaving his lips.

Leo was stunned. His mate, the tough, fearsome alpha who never showed signs of fear around his mates, let alone his omegas, just whined. Leo hadn't ever heard him make that noise before. "It's ok, I'm here. Your mate is here. Nothing's going to hurt you."

As he spoke, Leo forced his own scent to sweeten, hoping that his warm, welcoming scent would calm his mate down like it normally did, although usually Micah needed to be calmed from his aggressive protectiveness, not from fear. 

A trembling, gentle hand found its way to Micah's arm once again, this time eliciting no reaction from Micah at all. Leo slowly moved his hand up until it was resting against Micah's cheek, surprised at how quickly the alpha nuzzled into his touch. The growls had ceased, replaced by small chuffs of contentment. The alpha was still trying to soothe himself through rumbles, but he seemed a little more relaxed than he had before. 

Leo kept going. "You're safe, we're all safe, everyone's ok." He paused for a moment, stroking Micah's cheek with his thumb. "You're such a good alpha, keeping us so secure. You do such a good job of protecting us. My alpha, my perfect, loving mate. You don't have to worry. I'm here. Safe. Won't leave."

He brought his face closer to Micah's, hesitating a moment before bumping their noses together. He forced a watery purr from his throat, hoping the noise would reassure his mate that everything was ok.

It took a moment, but his purrs seemed to work. Micah quieted, the only noise coming from him being small little rumbles of contentment. His scent had thinned out a little, not too weak, but not as suffocating as before. He made no more panicked movements, instead resting peacefully under the covers, his eyes still glued shut. 

Leo remained where he was for another few minutes, too scared to leave Micah on his own. What if the nightmare came back? What if Micah lashed out in his sleep and accidentally hurt someone? Sure, he was surrounded by his mates, but they were all still asleep, unaware of the distress Micah had been in moments before. Micah was a big alpha. If he struck out, even in sleep, there was a good chance he would hurt somebody, no matter how accidental. Leo didn't want that to happen. 

Tears sprung to Leo's eyes for the umpteenth time that night. This was his fault, as always. Micah was never this troubled. He must have been so upset earlier that it transferred to his dreams. He had caused so much trouble for his pack, and now they couldn't even escape the sadness he'd inflicted earlier while they slept. God, why hadn't he just forced himself to say yes?! 

His skin was crawling. The temporary release cutting had given him vanished, the discovery of his mate's nightmare bringing him right back to where he had been an hour before, although this time with an added pain. He itched to hide, to get as far away from his pack as he could in the small apartment. Their presence was suffocating, an inescapable reminder of his failures and shortcomings. He needed to get away from them, he needed to leave right that second before he broke down from the guilt once again, but how could he leave when Micah needed him to stay calm?

Leo scoured the room with his eyes desperately, trying to find something, anything, that could keep Micah satiated in his absence before he broke down again. His blurry eyes struck gold when they landed on one of his sweatshirts, its crumpled form resting where he had haphazardly thrown it earlier in the day.

With a quick, light kiss to Micah's forehead. Leo backed away from the bed, swiftly scooping up the black fabric of his sweatshirt before returning to Micah's side. He rested the sweatshirt underneath Micah's face, close enough for the alpha to get a good whiff of his scent, but not so close that he'd be able to tell it wasn't actually Leo he was resting next to. Micah had always been scarily perceptive about Leo's absence, even when in the throes of sleep. 

A couple minutes passed before Leo felt comfortable enough to back away from the bed, content with how soundly Micah was sleeping. Hopefully he wouldn't wake up till morning, the sweatshirt's presence enough to fool him with his eyes closed. Leo walked backwards towards the bedroom door, his hands shaking violently as he kept his eyes firmly planted on Micah's sleeping form. His shins hit the edge of the door, and he cursed silently under his breath at the small smacking noise he had made. He exited the room, pulling the door shut before backing away.

Leo could feel his breathing pick up as he shuffled his way to the guest bedroom across the hall. His heart was pounding against his chest, on the verge of exploding with anxiety. The nightmare and all the fear it had brought him came crashing back onto him, the temporary relief cutting had given him washing away rapidly. He needed to get as far away from his mates as possible, he needed to be alone, he needed solitude. He was once again struck with want for his childhood room, for his comfort items, for the feeling of safety his old nest had given him-

His feet carried him into the guest bedroom, ignoring the neat, clean, empty bed in front of him in favor of the closet adjacent to it. The bed was nice, perfect even, but Leo's mates were sure to find him if he slept there, and he didn't want that. He needed to hide away. The closet was perfect for such a purpose. Not only was it a small, comforting space, but Leo had stashed all of his old blankets and stuffed animals there when the five of them first moved into the apartment. He would be safe in there, curled up with all of his comfort items. He could recreate his old nest right there on the closet floor, and no one would ever find him. 

A small, yip-like noise left Leo's mouth. He had lost his ability to make a true yipping noise years ago, when he had grown from a pup to an omega, but his body still tried to produce the sound, its result resembling a distorted mewling sound instead of what it was intended to be. Leo quickly closed the bedroom door, entered the closet, and closed that door as well, leaving himself in the pitch black darkness. He grabbed the cord hanging from the ceiling and yanked, a dim, yellow light shining from above him at the motion. There was a big bin lying on the ground in front of him, one that held all of his childhood items safely inside it. They still smelled like home. 

A rather loud, relieved purr erupted from Leo's throat as he began pulling blankets and stuffed creatures out of the bin, until there was nothing left inside of it. He grabbed as many blankets as he could, using a couple as a makeshift mattress before using the rest to create a nest resembling his old one. He stepped out of the closet briefly to grab a pillow from the bed, but quickly shut the closet door upon returning to his new nest, terrified at the idea of being caught by any of his mates. He finished up the nest as quickly as he could, sitting back to admire the work he had completed.

Safe, his mind purred. Safe. Home. No danger. Good nest. Sleep now.

Leo clicked off the light and curled up under his blankets. Instinctively, he grabbed for a worried looking stuffed rabbit he had, one that Rain had given him to help him with his anxiety. Leo barely thought about who had given him the rabbit, his only thought being the comfort it had always given him when he needed it. His hands kneaded the fur of the rabbit, much like a cat, his soft purring lulling him into a state of sleepiness.

He held the plush closed to his chest, buried his head in the pillow, and drifted off to sleep. 

The next morning was hazy, a memory Leo could only really recall if he tried hard enough.

Sometime that morning, Ren had found him, sleeping at the bottom of the closet. He couldn't really remember what Ren had said, but he did remember that his mate had stayed with him for a little while, curled up in the nest with him, waving something away from the door every once and awhile. It was nice. Leo had felt safe. 

Eventually Ren had prodded him to get up, and Leo reluctantly did so, clinging on to the other omega all the while. They had eaten, and Leo faintly recalled that his other mates had kept their distance for a bit, something he didn't understand. After he ate, Ren took him back to their nest, the one he shared with all of them, and laid him down in the middle before curling up against him once more. He had asked Leo if he wanted to watch anything, and Leo had replied with some show he had enjoyed as a kid. While Ren was pulling the show up on the tv in their room, Leo had looked over to the door and noticed how his other three mates had crowded around the opening, looking in with rounded, anxious eyes.

Leo had been confused. Why weren't they joining him? What were they anxious about? Didn't they want to snuggle in their big, comfy nest? Leo kept staring, but none of them moved. That is, none of them moved until he made a high-pitched trilling noise, inviting them into the nest. As soon as he made the noise, his remaining mates rushed into the room, hopping onto the bed next to the omegas. Micah had laid himself next to Leo, a deep nervousness showing on his face, but it soon vanished when Leo flopped onto his chest, his head resting where he could hear Micah's heart beating rapidly. The rest of his mates cuddled up tighter around Leo's form, until all of his mates were touching him in some way. Micah had begun crooning down at Leo, a nice, reassuring sound to the omega's addled brain. The show began running, and the five of them sat there, watching what was playing for an hour or two, Leo couldn't be sure. 

It was funny, because he was surrounded by his mates, the people he wanted to love for the rest of his life, and yet they didn't feel like his mates at that moment, not really. They had been a comforting and trusted presence, but it felt...different, for some reason. 

After a couple episodes had passed, Ren suggested Leo take a nice, long, warm shower. Leo agreed. Micah had asked Leo if he wanted them to join him, and for the first time that morning, panic had flashed through his body. He was suddenly aware of the cuts littering his chest, and although he had forgotten why he had put them there, he remembered that his mates weren't supposed to know about them, no matter what. He had reassured them he'd be fine, slowly turning around and entering the bathroom, shutting and locking the door for good measure. 

It hadn't been until the shower water began washing over his frame that reality started coming back to him, memories of the past night returning to his consciousness. 

When Leo stepped out of the bathroom, his brown hair still dripping water, he was a lot more subdued than he had been earlier. He tried to keep up his regular relaxed appearance, but he couldn't deny how awkward everything was after he emerged from the bathroom. His mates were staring at him again, looking him over like might snap at any moment. 

"You doing alright?" Ren asked from the bed, his face kind but concerned. He was searching Leo's face carefully, like he was looking for something specific.

Leo shook the water from his hair, reaching for the hair dryer on the side table. "I'm fine, just a little tired."

Charlie piped up, his voice uncharacteristically soft. "How'd you sleep last night? You look exhausted."

Leo plugged the hairdryer into the nearest outlet, kneeling down so it reached his head. " I slept fine."

He didn't elaborate. His mates stopped asking questions. 

The next couple of days were tense, to say the least. Conversation between Leo and his mates, especially Micah, had become awkward and unnatural. None of them dared to bring up the conversation they'd had a couple nights before, but none of them could forget it either, it's memory imprinted on all of them like a brand.

They tried to ignore the elephant in the room, and eventually, after two or three days of awkwardness, the elephant seemed to leave on its own. Seeing his mates interact with each other organically helped loosen the anxiety and fear that had been gripping Leo's mind, allowing him to slip back into his regular personality alongside his mates. The alpha's of the pack started to cuddle up to him again, and once they saw he wasn't moving away from them, they became much more comfortable plopping down around him whenever they felt like it. The fear of losing his mates slowly dissipated from Leo's shoulders, and for a couple of weeks, it seemed like any discussion regarding pups would be saved for the far, far future. 

But then they discovered Ren was pregnant, and the supposedly far off future suddenly became the present.

Leo was the last one to know. He had walked into the apartment one day, the sight of all four of his mates sitting in their living room greeting him. Ren looked like he was about to pass out with nerves, and his other mates weren't much better off. Leo had been confused, but when he caught a glimpse of the pink stick of plastic Ren was pulling out from behind his back, he knew instantly what had happened. The stick looked exactly like the pregnancy tests on the front of the box he had found two months ago, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the result must have been.

It hadn't been on purpose, Ren had assured all of them of that. He didn't even realize he was pregnant until Charlie had detected a change in Ren's natural scent, and asked him to take the test. Ren had wanted to tell the rest of them at the same time, but he had waited a day too long, because Micah was able to smell the change, and Rain had just so happened to walk into the room right as Micah was questioning Ren about it...

So Leo had been the last to find out. It hurt a little, to know that everyone else had found out before him, but he couldn't really blame them, not when they hadn't done it on purpose. If anything, he was the one to blame for not being able to smell the change like the others. Rain was a beta and therefore had a weaker sense of smell, so he had an excuse, but Leo? He was an omega, his sense of smell was just as good as the alphas. He should've been able to tell. He was never the most observant, but this was his mate they were talking about. He should've been able to tell.

He could see how nervous all of his mates were as they watched for his reaction. He couldn't blame them for that either, not after how he'd freaked out back when Micah asked him to carry pups. He understood why they were tense. He could feel their worry grow when Ren whispered that he wanted to keep it, despite how sudden all of this was. 

Despite the tension in the air, Leo could feel an overwhelming surge of joy begin to overtake his senses, A wide grin breaking out on his face. They were gonna have a pup! They were going to have a family after all, he was going to be a dad! Of course, he was terrified, he had no idea if he would be a good father or not, but hey, he had nine (well, probably closer to eight) months to start learning!

Instant relief washed over each man's face at Leo's bright smile, the atmosphere growing much lighter than before. Leo smothered the urge to tackle Ren in a large hug, instead rushing over to his side and gently wrapping his arms around the other omega, nestling his nose in the crook of his neck. Ren laughed before returning the hug, a smile of his own creeping across his face at Leo's joyous actions. It didn't take long for the others to join in on the hug, and soon the five of them had become a large pile of bodies, their conjoined purrs and chuffs of happiness bouncing off the walls of the apartment. Leo snuggled closer to Ren's body, confidently believing that nothing could possibly kill his mood that day. 

Of course, he was wrong. As usual.

He hadn't really noticed at first, and he was sure Micah hadn't realized he was doing it either. Leo had been too focused on celebrating with his mates, their conversation lively as they discussed what they should do next, what supplies they should buy first, potential names for the pup, how long they should wait before announcing the pregnancy to everyone, how many doctor's appointments they needed to schedule, and of course, frantically checking in on Ren, how he was feeling, and what he needed from them. He had been so engrossed in planning everything out with his mates that he hadn't realized anything was off, at least, not until the topic of the pup's second biological father came up.

The leading theory, and the overall most likely scenario, was that Charlie had been the one to get Ren pregnant. Leo had been ruled out from the get-go, and although Rain was capable of such a feat, he wasn't nearly as likely to be the biological father in comparison to the alphas. That just left Charlie and Micah, and according to a slightly embarrassed Ren, he and Charlie had been more...active together than he and Micah had. That possibility would also explain why Charlie had been able to tell before anyone else, since alpha's were usually more likely to smell their own pup's conception earlier than a non-blood related pup's.

It didn't matter to any of them, it really didn't. They would all be dads to this pup no matter who it was related to biologically, no one would be more of a parent than anyone else. Well, except for maybe Ren, but he was literally carrying the pup in his body, so it was understandable how his connection to the child would be a little different from everyone else's. They only wanted to know out of curiosity, and so they would know if there were any diseases, risks, or disorders the pup might be more predisposed to based on genetics. Other than that, the "real" parent didn't matter at all.

At least, it shouldn't have mattered. 

It wasn't until after Charlie had been pronounced as the father that Leo felt eyes on him. He knew it was Micah staring at him, but before he could meet the alpha's gaze, the eyes averted themselves, focusing back on Ren, and Leo thought nothing more of it.

Until it happened again. And again. And again.

Each time, the duration of Micah's stares seemed to last longer and longer. Leo tried to ignore it, convincing himself that he was overthinking things, but it just kept happening. It wasn't until Leo turned to look at the gazing alpha that he understood why Micah was staring at him so much in comparison to his other mates. 

Micah suspiciously shifted his eyes back to Ren the second Leo turned his head to look the alpha in the face, but he hadn't done so quick enough to hide the longing that crept into his expression, the melancholy still present in his gaze for a second or two after he had turned away, before it was replaced by a calm happiness. Leo would have liked to convince himself that he was imagining the want laced in his mate's gaze, but it was a little hard to believe he was making such a thing up when the staring was so prevalent. 

He kept half his attention on Micah for the rest of the night, still actively engaging in conversation with the others, but much more aware of what the taller alpha was up to than before. It was this attention to detail that allowed Leo to catch a couple more glimpses of Micah's expressions ranging from sadness, to fondness, to the same longing expression as before. At one point during his staring, Rain had nudged the alpha before whispering something in his ear, prompting Micah to look away in shame. With all the context clues in place, it wasn't that hard to understand what he was thinking about. 

Frustration began to build up in Leo, and he fought to keep it down, lest anyone else in the pack pick up on it. He didn't understand, he truly didn't. Micah had wanted a family, right? Well, Ren was pregnant, and soon enough, the pup would be here, a new member of their pack, just like Micah had asked for. The only difference was that he wasn't the one to knock someone up, and Leo wasn't the one carrying the pup. Besides that, everything else would remain the same. He would be a parent, all of them would be, and they would be raising the pup together, as a pack. 

So what was he longing for? Was he upset that the pup wasn't "technically" his? That didn't make sense though, he could always have his own biological child later on, if they decided they wanted another pup. Was he upset that Leo wasn't the one that was pregnant? Because if so, why did it matter so much? What was so different about Leo that he specifically was the one Micah wanted to get pregnant? Sure, he and Micah had somewhat of a special bond, but everyone in the pack had a different and unique bond with each member! That's just how people worked, and at the end of the day, everyone loved everyone with their whole hearts. He didn't understand what was so intriguing about him and his ability to carry pups. Why couldn't Micah just drop it? Why had he remained so fixated on the idea of Leo having his pup, even after he had expressed his discomfort with the idea?

The frustration had no sooner reared its ugly head when it retreated, shame and disgust rushing to replace it. It wasn't Micah's fault. He couldn't control what he wanted, especially when he was so close, yet so far from his initial goal. Leo was sure Micah would love this pup as much as he would have if it had been biologically his, it was just... different, somehow. He didn't get it, but there was clearly something desirable about him having pups to Micah, and he shouldn't be upset at the alpha for just simply wishing. It's not like he was actively bringing the whole matter up again, so Leo didn't have a real reason to be upset with him. With himself however...

Leo looked around at his mates, who were smiling and laughing with a joy Leo had never seen from them before. Just another reminder of how he had failed as an omega. He had refused to make his mates happy out of his own selfishness, and now the opportunity to please them had fallen on someone else. Even then, he still had let his mates down, as evident by Micah's saddened stares. Not that Leo could blame Ren, oh no, he could never. Ren was a perfect omega, doing what made his mates happy while enjoying himself alongside them. He was content to give them a family, excited even, while Leo would have been on the verge of ripping his organs out if he had been in the same position. Ren was just... better. Better at being a mate, at being an omega, at being a pack member. 

He was everything Leo should have been. He was everything Leo couldn't be. 

And even after all Ren had done to make them happy, Leo's shortcomings as an omega were still letting his mates down, as evident by Micah's saddened stares. That wasn't fair to Ren, not when he'd given them what they had wanted. It wasn't his fault that his embarrassment of a mate had soured what was supposed to be a joyous moment in their lives. Leo hoped that Ren couldn't see the way Micah was looking at him, he didn't want his mate to feel like he wasn't enough for the alpha. 

The rest of the night was a swirl of emotions for Leo. His excitement for the pup hadn't been dampened one bit, but he couldn't shake the shame, hate, and disappointment he felt in himself for not doing what Ren had done. If he couldn't provide for his mates the way they wanted him to, then how was he supposed to provide for a pup? How was he meant to be a good father when he couldn't even be a good omega? The fear of abandonment came crawling back, infecting his brain until it was all he could think about. It took everything in Leo's power to keep his happy, unbothered mask from slipping in front of his mates. 

His skin was itching. Leo gripped his arms, digging his nails into the flesh that resided there. None of his mates noticed.

It was late when the pack decided to go to bed, still buzzing with excitement for their new life. Ren would be sleeping in the middle this time, probably where he would remain sleeping for the next year or so, if Leo had to guess. Leo went to curl up at the edge of the bed, assuming Ren would want the safety and comfort of both alphas lying next to him while he was carrying new life, but to his surprise, upon laying down, a large hand gripped his upper arm gently, pulling him backwards until he was in the middle of the bed. 

Leo looked towards Ren, chirping with confusion as the other omega's hand retreated from his arm.

Ren looked back, his wavy, black hair splayed out on the pillow underneath him. He smiled gently, his eyes warm. "Stay next to me. I want you close by." 

Leo blinked with surprise. "Really? Why?" It took him a moment to realize his self-hatred was shining through, so he backtracked. "I mean, don't you want the alphas with you? Wouldn't that feel... I don't know, safer?" 

Ren's smile only grew bigger as he snorted with amusement. "You make me feel just as safe as those two doofuses do." He leaned closer to Leo, a teasing glint entering his eyes. "Besides," he whispered, the alpha's no longer able to hear him. "I'm a pregnant omega with two very overprotective alphas as mates. I'll be lucky if they don't drive me insane by the end of this!" 

Leo snorted, and Ren chuckled alongside him. It was true, Ren would be lucky if he got a moment of peace between the two alphas, not to mention Rain, who could be just as bad as Charlie and Micah when he wanted to be. While he would undoubtedly be more defensive of his mate, Leo also recognized that he'd still probably be the most relaxed of the four of them. 

Their laughter eventually died down, Ren opening his mouth to speak again. "But seriously," he said, "I'm excited, but I'm also a little scared. I need someone who will understand me and what I'm feeling by my side. It'll help me be able to relax easier. God knows I'm gonna need as much peace as I can get between the others, my body changing, and all the things we have to do to get ready for this little guy."

Ren tapped his still-flat stomach for emphasis. He reached for Leo again, rubbing their noses together. "Right now, I need you ."

Leo looked at Ren with uncertainty. "But how can I understand you better than the others? I've never been pregnant before."

Ren hummed in disagreement. "You're right, you haven't been, but you don't need to. You're an omega. You've always been able to understand my feelings better simply because we share the same second gender. Of course, you won't feel exactly how I feel, but you'll have a deeper understanding of what I need in comparison to anyone else in our pack." Ren kissed the tip of Leo's nose reassuringly. "It's always been like that, hasn't it? It's the same now, except my needs will be a little different."

As odd as it sounded, Leo knew Ren was right. Omega's in general tended to have a better understanding of one another, especially if they were mated. It was just how they were, even if it didn't always make sense. 

"Yeah, you have a point." Leo conceded, snuggling up closer to Ren. A wicked smile spread across his face. "Let's just hope none of the others murder me for taking up their space. I may be their mate, but I don't think even that will stop them from getting to you when they feel they need to."

Ren let out a huff of defiance. "They can try," he mock hissed, gripping Leo tighter. "But I won't let them. Do you really think they'll defy me, a pregnant omega, when I want something?"

Leo giggled, his sides shaking uncontrollably. "Oh the power you hold!" he laughed, forcing himself to calm a little. It was too late to get this worked up, and besides, they would all need to get as much sleep as they could, while they still could. He could see the rest of their mates getting ready to lie down, so he decided to end the conversation sooner rather than later. "Just promise me you'll abuse the shit out of that power. After everything you're gonna be going through, it's the least you deserve."

Ren grinned once more, his eyes beginning to droop. "Oh, don't doubt it. They're gonna hate me by the time the pup comes."

Leo didn't believe they would, not for a second, but he still purred in agreement. His mates would gladly do anything their pregnant omega asked, but the idea of Ren working them all to the bone was still a funny image in Leo's mind. He settled down to sleep, his conversation with Ren temporarily distracting him from his previous plight. Even as Micah settled down behind him, his arms wrapping themselves right under his chest, he refused to let his thoughts sour his good mood, not after he had managed to prove himself useful in some other way. He shut his eyes, basking in the presence of his mates and hoping that his negative perception of himself would get better as time went on.

...

Leo woke up, his breathing uneven, sweat dotting his hairline. The nightmare had come back. They had left him, and this time, there was a tiny, fifth person to leave with them. 

He had been stupid, to believe his self-hatred would go away. It would never go away. Not when he was the way that he was. Not when he was such a disgusting, selfish mate. 

Leo crept out of bed, walked towards the bathroom in the hall, and reached under the cabinet.