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Ochako swallows, plopping down lazily on the couch, her whole body cold and still heavy with sleep. Her jaw aches, victim of many punches the night before, but her heart — her heart aches worse.
Today is the anniversary of Himiko’s death.
Mina has been quiet, but present; Ochako is near certain she should have moved on by now, and Mina has every right to be bothered by the fact that she hasn’t. She knows Mina would never confront her about it, or at least not on the day, but…
She needs a distraction. From the memories, from her anxieties, from her life in general. She turns to Mina, perched next to her on the couch, and nudges her with her elbow.
“Let’s go out today,” she suggests. Mina raises her eyebrows. Her mouth opens in a little ‘o’ shape before pressing into a tight line.
“Are you sure you’re up for that?” she asks, giving Ochako a pointed look. She’d woken up crying that morning, and she’s sure her eyes are still red and puffy.
“Yes,” she means to say, but instead what comes out is a resolute “No.”
Her brows draw close together. “Is there… something in particular you need to do?”
Ochako’s stomach sinks. She knows what kind of thing Mina means, and it’s not exactly the distraction she had been thinking of.
She’d gone to the crisp remains of Himiko’s house, just a few weeks after it happened. She had searched the ashes for something, anything to make peace with, and had come back empty-handed and covered in soot. She and Mina hadn’t been dating, then, and she had felt that nobody else truly understood what she was going through, the conflicting emotions raging within her at all hours of the day.
She had swallowed back that pain for so long. It was Mina who had brought it back out, who had convinced her it was okay to feel everything she was feeling, and not have to apologize for it.
They’d visited her grave once — only once. It had been vandalized, recently, and Mina stayed by Ochako’s side for hours while they worked it clean. She couldn’t bear to go back again, couldn’t bear to see what else people might have done.
“I need to see her again,” she says, then presses a hand over her mouth. She hadn’t meant — why did she say that?
Mina is quiet. She leans her head back against the couch cushions, drawing her legs close to her body. Ochako immediately finds herself missing the warmth. She bites her lip and commands herself to be quiet.
“I love you,” she says, flimsily. Mina smiles.
“I know. I love you too. And… I know you miss her.”
Her smile turns bittersweet. Ochako can’t help but ask, “Are you ever jealous?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Mina says, accompanied by an airy laugh. “But… It’s alright. I know that she… she cared about you, and you… I don’t know. I have a lot of mixed feelings about her, and the League in general, but… I guess, for your sake, I wish she had lived. That she’d gotten the chance to be better.”
Slowly Ochako nods. She draws in on herself, tucking her chin over her knees. “I wonder sometimes if I failed her,” she admits, unbidden. “I had so many chances to get through to her, and I couldn’t. I was so focused on the harm she was doing, and…”
“You can’t blame yourself for that, though.”
“I do,” she says, meaning to say the opposite. Her cheeks go hot. “I mean — I do. I — I do.”
Mina sits up straighter. “You blame yourself,” she repeats, questioning.
Ochako shakes her head. “I do,” she repeats. She grits her teeth. “I do blame myself. I do. I do. I do. That’s — I’m trying to say I don’t. But —”
“You fought Jittai last night, right,” Mina says, less of a question and more of a statement. Ochako blinks.
“Oh,” is all she says. She swallows. Without warning, her eyes start to sting; she blinks away tears and Mina leans over to comfort her, draping herself over Ochako’s shoulders.
“Maybe we’ll stay inside today,” she says, pressing a kiss to Ochako’s cheek. She swallows back a sob, guilt blooming in her chest.
“I love you,” she says, hoping Mina understands; with Jittai’s truth quirk still in effect, she must. Mina presses another kiss to the top of her head, then smooths down her hair with gentle fingers.
“I love you too, Ochako. It’s alright.”
“This is — I’m not being fair to you,” she says, voice wobbly. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to… I should just move on. It’s been — it’s been years.”
“Ochako, it’s really okay. I’m not going to…” Mina swallows, searching for the words. “I want you to have the space you need, and I mean that, for as long as it takes. Every other day of the year, you’re mine. I can live with it if for one day, you just need to be hers.”
Ochako leans her head down and sobs. Mina presses against her, warm and solid and soft, and whispers reassurances. She kisses the tears from Ochako’s cheeks, earning quiet laughter. She feels heat start to bloom in her chest, drawn up from cold ground by loving hands.
“I love you,” she repeats, once the tears have dried and she has caught her breath again. Mina presses their foreheads together and presses a pink hand to Ochako’s jaw.
“I love you too,” she says. “Always.”