Archive of Our Own

As the clock struck midnight, Louis had awoken from her slumber. Her eyes glanced over her surroundings in a haze, not fulling taking in her area before her nostrils were drowned with an all-familiar scent; her incense that has been burning for a couple of hours had finally ran out. She sat up in her raggedy twin sized bed, taking a second to breathe and gather her thoughts. Her throat had ached, along with her legs and harms. She wondered why, but didn’t pay much mind to it. As she stirred awake, her phone buzzed with a familiar tone. For a slight second, she couldn’t tell what was playing, but then she had realized — it was Joby’s ringtone. That loud, heavy music would wake anyone up if they had it set as that. As she made her way towards her phone, her hands trembled as she picked it up, answering it as she spoke in a soft tone.

“Hello..?” She grumbled, trying her best to gather herself before gathering her feelings. Her shoulders slumped, and her back hunched. She was comfortable, and that’s what mattered. As she turned her lamp on, she finally heard someone else on the line, the familiar voice drowning her eardrums with a feeling of calmness and joy. 

“Hey there sweetheart, need something from the store? I’m on my way as we speak.” *Joby had asked, his tone was genuine and caring. Louis took a second to think — Why did he ask that? Did I say something? — then it hit her. She had sent her lover a text message a couple of minutes before she fell asleep.

Not feeling the best right now. My stubble grew back.

She then remembered what she had sent, the memories of how she felt when she had sent that message. Her legs had felt like trembling, her chest feeling heavy as she had looked at herself in the mirror. God, she looked terrible. Too masculine. Her shoulders were too broad, her throat was too itchy, her face was too… blocky, and her eyes were too downturned to even begin looking like a woman. She held her chest tight, gripping her tank top roughly as she silently cried to herself. Why was she like this? Jesus, that was terrible. As she snapped back to reality, she realized she had been holding Joby on the phone for a solid five minutes. She then spoke in a soft tone, not louder than a faint whisper. “Just some chocolates is fine. I don’t need much.” She muttered as she sat there, helpless and tired as she spoke. “Well okay then, I’ll see you in about 30 minutes baby, I love you.” She heard Joby say with a newfound determination in his voice. What could he be doing for thirty minutes? The store is about 20 minutes from here… She thought to herself, starting to lace her thoughts worry and panic as she lingered in them.

As she hung up the phone, she attempted to stand up, succeeding as she made her way to her bathroom to start her morning routine. Was it morning time? No, but she didn’t care. She brought herself to grab her toothbrush and toothpaste and start scrubbing her teeth, tasting a usual metallic drowning in her mouth as she stopped for a second. Jesus fucking Christ. Her gums were bleeding. I mean, she hasn’t brushed in a while, not that she really had to anyways. As she washed out her mouth, she looked back up at her face, a slight shade of a stubble revealing itself. As she scratched at her face, a shadow revealed itself behind her, she froze in place. What was that? As she turned around, the figure formed into her worst nightmare — her mother. She never wanted to see her mother again, especially after she got kicked out of her house for being who she truly was.

“You know you’ll never be a woman, right? My sweet little boy…”

She heard the void speak to her as she trembled, clutching her chest as she stepped back, creating distance between the two. Why now? Why here? Her mom died years ago, why the fuck is this happening? As she shook her head, she kneeled down into the bathtub, curling into a ball as her only sense of comfort. Her mind was running all over the place, and she couldn’t let her mind dwell on these feelings, she started convulsing uncontrollably, sobbing to herself in the bathtub as she realized she could never be what she has dreamed for years. She’ll never be a woman, just a man trying to impersonate one. Jesus, she was fucking disgusting. As she scratched at her face, a familiar sound at the door; keys jingling and trying to get into the house.

As she heard the noise, she just laid there, unmoving in that tub. She didn’t know what to do, and it felt like she was a deer in headlights. As she heard the door open, feet stomping on the ground, she couldn’t move. She tried to, but failed. Then she heard a familiar voice, filled with happiness and curiosity. “Where’s my pretty girl…” Joby asked, placing the bag of stuff from the store on the couch, looking around. His heart then dropped. Where the fuck is she? He ran over the house, panicking as he finally made it to the bathroom. He froze. “Oh honey..” his voice laced with concern and regret of not being here sooner, he dropped everything and placed himself into the tub, basically forcing her to lay onto him as he leaned his head on the inner wall. He grazed his hands over her body, gently placing one around her waist as he planted the other one in her hair, twirling it gently around his fingers. He didn’t know what to do in this situation, but he wanted to help.

As Louis began to uncontrollably sob, Joby tried comforting her in the only way he knew how; reassurance. “Shhh… it’s okay baby.. I’m here for you, okay?” He whispered to her gently as he caressed her body, rubbing her waist with his thumb as he spoke. “I’ll never be a woman.. my mom said so.” She muttered to herself as in between incoherent sobs. Maybe her mom was right, she’d never be a real woman, she’ll always be that little boy, begging her mom for attention. “Oh stop that sweetheart, you know that’s not true.” He took a second to think about his next words wisely, Louis being in a very vulnerable position at the moment. “You’re the most gorgeous woman I know.” He said with confidence. As she realized what he had said, her sobs softened, look up at Joby with a tear stained face as she spoke.

“Do you really think that?” She asked as she tried to hold back a floodgate of many more tears. “I know so, babygirl.” He said with pure confidence, tucking Louis’ hair behind her ear as he spoke. He looked down at her, he admired her features. Her eyes… her lips, her nose, everything that made her look more like a woman. As he repositioned himself, he wanted to ask her a question. “So how about I give you those gifts I mentioned, baby?” He asked as he laid a hand on her cheek. What gifts? All I asked for was chocolate? She thought to herself as she stood up in the bathtub, gently walking out of the bathroom as she looked at what was on her couch. 

It was probably the most huge teddy bear she had seen in her life, a box of chocolate, a bouquet of flowers, and a card. As she saw these items, she silently cried to herself, holding Joby tighter and tighter until she could have sworn that he was about to pop. “How’s about you open the card, eh? I gotta go though.. I love you so much pretty girl..” He said as he laid a hand on her waist, pulling her in for a slight kiss. As she deepened it slightly, he pulled back, walking back to the door as he picked up his keys. Before he left, he turned around for a second as he smiled, tilting his head a bit as he spoke.

”You’re the best girlfriend anyone could ask for. You better stay safe now, okay?” He said as he waited for a response, putting a hand in his jeans pocket as he took a second. Louis didn’t know what to say… she was in shock, honored, and all of the above at once. On one hand, she feels guilty for getting all of this stuff for no reason, and in the other hand she felt loved and cared for. She decided to favor the latter and chuckled to herself, blowing Joby a kiss. “You better stay safe too, handsome. Best lover I could ask for” She muttered to herself as he walked out, closing the door behind him. As she stood there, she thought to herself — What could possibly be in the card? — She walked over to the couch with the card sitting on the arm of it. As she held the card in her hands, when she opened it, she was pleasantly surprised. The letter read as follows;

”Dear my lovely beautiful girlfriend,

I am more than grateful to be in this relationship with you. Ever since you’ve helped me realize I was just some butch, I’ve been absolutely enamored with you. You’re so beautiful, you know that? Your eyes, your shoulders, your face shape, your nose, and god.. everything about you just screams feminine. I don’t know how people can look at you and call you a man, because you’re not whatsoever. I admire everything about you, and I’m so proud that you have come this far sweetie. Below I’ve attached some money, and I want you to spend it on buying something nice for yourself, you deserve it after all the shit you’ve been through.

 

Love,

your boyfriend, Joby.

(ps. I heard there’s a perfume store nearby that has a lavender scent, you should check that out.)

As she read the note, a smile laid across her face, closing the letter as she sat down on the couch, taking a second to think. Maybe life wasn’t as bad as she thought? And maybe she could actually make it as a girl? She lived her boyfriend, and she giggled at the thought of seeing him again. That silly boy.. She thought, holding the stuffed bear as if it was Joby, cuddling it for all dear life. She wouldn’t know what to do without him, truly, and she’s in awe with how much he has done for her. Maybe she IS the most beautiful woman out there..