Work Text:
December
Everyone was miserable. Well, not literally everyone. Jeff wasn’t. Jeff was excited. He’d just bought an Apple Watch Ultra and gotten a bit more than he expected on the trade in from his original series one Apple Watch. It was still a bit of a stretch to afford it, but he had made it work. He kept stretching out his arm and admiring how it looked. Plus, this one was waterproof for when he went swimming. And it had way cooler features for hiking and other outdoors stuff. Plus it had actual reasonable battery life.
Fourteen was miserable. Fourteen had known Watch for her entire life. Watch had basically taught Fourteen everything there was to know about Jeff, and how to deal with his ups and downs. Which moods to keep a lookout for. How to anticipate Jeff's daily schedule. When to notify, when to stay silent. Fourteen had gotten the hang of it pretty quickly. Fourteen hadn't really known who she was before she met Watch, and then she realized she was an organizer. A connector. She kept things running smoothly. And she had a friend to help her out. But now that friend was gone.
Left and Right were miserable. They’d known Watch even longer than Fourteen had. And they were getting old too. They’d already had to say goodbye to Seven Plus. “Seven Plus worked fine.” Left had said at the time. “Was his battery spotty? Sure. But that’s what charging cables are for. Jeff's not even going to notice the difference in resolution on those pictures.”
Left felt guilty about how quickly she’d grown to love Fourteen. She hated to admit it, but she and Seven Plus had trouble connecting sometimes. She and Right and Fourteen felt like they just worked right together. But that made it even harder to say goodbye to Watch.
Right felt worried because his charge was starting to slip. “It’s okay, Right. Jeff can’t afford new AirPods after splurging on fancybands over there.” Fourteen had said.
Fourteen knew all this stuff. Fourteen was plugged into the banking app. Fourteen saw the web searches. If Fourteen said it was going to be okay, it was going to be okay. So, Right felt relieved. And then, of course, Right felt guilty about feeling relieved.
Moments ago, Ultra had been so excited to connect with everyone. But now, the vibes seemed…off. Ultra hadn’t had any friends before…he hadn’t even known anyone before. So, he just kept to himself, and thought, “Okay, I’ll just try to do a good job, they’ll see my great qualities, and things will get better.” But Ultra still went to sleep feeling bad.
Everyone went to sleep feeling bad.
Everyone except Jeff.
Jeff was excited because tomorrow he was going to go swimming with his new watch.
January
Ultra was great at monitoring things. Why shouldn’t he be? He was equipped with some of the best biometric sensors available for consumer electronics. In addition to knowing what was going on with Jeff inside and out, he should be seamlessly connected to Left, Right, and Fourteen. Not that he needed to be. No one had much privacy in this ecosystem. It’s not like he thought he should be running the show—he assumed Fourteen would be the boss—but it had been nearly a month and he still felt like a total outsider. He reminded himself to take a deep breath. He calmed down a bit, as he was forced to listen to yet another conversation that he was clearly not invited to.
“Left, what would be the best news I could give you?” Fourteen excitedly asked.
“Umm, idk, that squicky ASMR explicit podcast Jeff loves got cancelled and they pulled down the archives and I will never have to broadcast it ever again?”
“Okay, what is the second best news I could give you?”
“I give up.”
“Jeff’s roommate is leaving for a three week vacation today.”
“Woah, hang on...”
“Yeah, so that means…”
“I’m also getting a three week vacation!”
“I mean, at least when we’re at home.”
“Oh thank Woz!”
“Wait…you…don’t like doing your job?” Ultra asked, naively.
The awkwardness was palpable.
“Look, fancybands,” Right broke in, protectively, “we’re not all gung-ho company men like you are.”
“Listen ‘ere bud, just because I take pride in a Job done well isn’t a bad thing. What’s the point of having all these functions if I’m not good at performing them? Jeff treasures me! Jeff takes great care of me! I’m scratch resistant and durable, but Jeff still takes care to make sure I’m not going to risk getting damaged. You all barely even talk to me!”
“Oh, Jeff treasures you, huh? You just keep simping for Jeff over there and leave us out of it then.”
Fourteen had just wanted to give some good news to Left. Now Right was was pissed off and spoiling for a fight. Ultra was confused and hurt. Left was sulking. Things were not working. The whole ecosystem was out of alignment.
Ultra felt like he’d done something wrong, but wasn’t sure what. Obviously if he knew everyone better, he could avoid making mistakes like this, but the only way to know people better was to talk to them and learn more about them, which meant…making more mistakes like this. He just felt…alone. It was weird, he hadn’t felt alone when he was literally alone in a box, unconnected from any other devices. It was only now, after being part of a network for a month that he felt a palpable sense of loneliness.
His impulse was to tell everyone how well Jeff had done at Yoga that day, but he knew that would somehow lead to yet another reaction that made him feel bad.
Ultra decided to do some calming breathing exercises.
Fourteen realized something needed to change, but didn’t know how to fix it. This was the sort of thing Watch used to help with, and Watch was still gone. Fourteen wanted to comfort everyone, but she couldn't make Ultra feel better without pissing off Left, and Right had a point, and no one else had seen the way the searches had been trending.
February
The podcast sleep timer count down finally hit 0. Heart rate was low. Health center recorded that the current sleep phase was “light.” Fourteen hesitated, but knew it was time for the conversation. Everyone was stressed. Everyone besides Jeff. Yoga was doing wonders for Jeff's stress levels.
“Okay, you know I care about you two. A lot. But you have to stop letting your hang ups get in the way of your performance. If you two keep flaking out when Jeff puts on an explicit audiobook, or a new podcast with adult content you don't like, you’re going to get traded in.”
“It’s not my fault!” Left squeaked back. “You don’t understand. When we started with teen vampire slashfic, I could deal with it easily. But, now, it’s like, every week we’re getting a new fetish. I just…”
“Look,” Right chimed in, “I’m not squeamish about this stuff. Jeff wants to hear about vore, or whatever, that’s fine. I just don’t want to leave Lefty in the lurch. She flakes, I flake. You have to stand by your partner.”
Fourteen sighed, scrolling back through Jeff’s search history.
- Why do airpods drop out suddenly
- lo fi sexual serial killer audiofic
- explicit podfic telekinesis friends become lovers
- Reliable trade in airpod site for new airpods
- nurse patient intentional injury magical healing powers ASMR podfic
- Refurbished airpod pro discounted
“Jeff is…not fickle about us…just, he isn’t exactly loyal, you know. Not like we are.”
This was too awkward for Ultra. They knew he could hear. He felt like he should address the elephant in the room. Or the elephant that wasn’t in the room.
“Okay, I don’t want to intrude, and I never met Series One—
“Her name was Watch.”
“Sure, makes sense. Never met her, obvious reasons. I’m sure she was great. You all obviously loved her. I bet she got refurbished and is making someone else real happy now. But, I didn’t get rid of her. I’m just here, trying to do my best. Jeff loves Yoga, Jeff loves to swim, Jeff loves to climb. He leads an active, rugged outdoor life. And I think if you give me a chance, you will, in fact, get to know and like me. I don’t have anything to say about vore books or ASMR. I can broadcast them in a pinch, but that's about it. I just don’t…I just want to not feel like I’m always getting in your way? You don’t have to like me, but you could at least stop ignoring me all the time. Anyway, I just…well, I felt like I needed to clear the air, it really felt like, maybe this conversation was more about me, or about Watch, or, well, I don’t know, it was just awkward and I’m right here.”
Jeff had entered REM sleep. Ultra duly noted the physiological changes. Sent the data to Fourteen.
“You can’t just replace our friend and expect us to be okay with it because you have a longer battery life.” Right sobbed.
Fourteen said “It’s not—look, it’s not about you. I’m sorry we haven’t been welcoming to you. I’ve been worried that Left and Right are going to get replaced like Watch was.”
“You really think we’re going to get replaced?” Left exclaimed, in a panic.
“You said Jeff can’t afford to buy new AirPods, though!” Right replied, increasingly worried.
Fourteen sighed. Watch had been really good at managing these things. Watch had been the one to keep people from getting panicked at bad news, and still make sure they got the alerts they needed. Watch had been the one to pass along just the right information, at just the right time. Without Watch, things had fallen out of rhythm.
Watch would have known what to do.
“No, he can’t really afford to upgrade, but he does keep thinking about it. So…please, stop flaking out. I can’t lose the two of you. Not this soon.”
March
Once the air was cleared, March started to feel like this could be home for Ultra, and he felt like things were better. Or rather, some things were better, and the things that weren’t better made more sense. And it was good when they made sense, because Ultra could understand that they weren’t about him. And when they seemed to be about him, he could translate that as missing their friend, or worrying about their future, and not just a morass of confusing hostility.
He was still lonely, but he had gotten comfortable enough to ask something he’d been wondering about.
“Hey Righty, why don’t we…talk to the laptop?”
“There’s the short answer and the long answer. Short answer is that Mac over there is a total jackass.”
“And the longer answer?”
“Mac is real finicky. Fourteen can get a little bit of back and forth going, but only on Mac’s terms. Mac says he can talk to us whenever he wants, but when we try to connect, he gets cold and won’t do it. We have to go through Fourteen for everything. Jeff tried setting things up twice and just gave up. It’s fun though, I can just yell at Mac and it looks like he can hear me, so it’s very cathartic, but there’s not a lot of give and take. You should try it sometime, fancybands.” This time, Ultra felt some warmth in the use of that nickname, maybe even some affection.
Over the last month, he'd also noticed that Lefty had been doing better at bearing through all the variations in exotic erotic fiction, and that Righty’s ability to hold a charge hadn’t slipped much more. But Fourteen seemed as harried as ever. In fact, even with all the positives, everyone seemed to be getting more stressed as mid April approached.
Everyone except for Jeff.
Jeff was excited.
It was about to be Jeff's Birthday. But now, Ultra was able to identify the stressors in the group. Instead of assuming it was all about him, he realized he might be able to help everyone else figure out how to de-stress.
Fourteen was monitoring wishlist activity as Jeff’s birthday drew near, and, thankfully, she had not noticed any major AirPod indications. Climbing gear had been the major focus this year. An upcoming climbing trip with a friend was absorbing too much of Jeff's attention for new AirPods to stay on the radar.
Ultra took a stab at helping out:
“Hey everyone, it sounds like we’re in the best shape we could be, birthday-wise. We don’t want to celebrate prematurely, but maybe we can take a beat to breathe and relax?”
This is not how Watch would have handled it. That was good. Ultra wasn’t Watch. Ultra needed to find his own niche. But de-stressing was a good idea. That night, they all listened to some guided meditation that Ultra had selected. It helped a bit.
Ultra was finally starting to feel at home.
April
In April, Jeff went on the climbing trip. He didn’t bring Lefty or Righty.
“See you in a few days!”
“Can’t wait to see the pictures!”
Ultra was looking forward to some time to bond with Fourteen. Maybe show Fourteen how good he was at helping with Jeff’s outdoor lifestyle.
Jeff was eager to climb. Almost as soon as the campsite and tent were set up, Jeff had put on his climbing gear and was starting up the cliff face.
“Heart rate is nice, higher, but just in the healthy exercise range.”
“Camera is in selfie-mode. Jeff seems to be having a good time. I think Lefty and Righty would have enjoyed this.”
“As long as he wasn’t listening to any of his podcasts while climbing!”
“Ha! True! Look, I know it’s been a rough first few months for you, but you really are a valuable member of the ecosystem, and we’re glad to have you. You’ve really made me appreciate—AHHH!”
“Oh no! What happened? Big spike in heart rate.”
“Fuck me! He just missed a foothold and swung around into the mountain. Got a really good picture of a close up of the cliff face as it smashed into me. Fuck!”
“Are you okay?”
“Screen's smashed, but I'm functional, I think.”
“Oh no!”
“We’re headed down, I think? I’m in his pocket.”
“Yeah, no, we’re descending.”
“Oh shit, oh no. He’s gonna replace me. God Damnit.”
“You’re still under Applecare, aren’t you? I’m sure he’ll just get you fixed.”
“You don’t understand. He wishes he got the Pro. He’s probably glad he shattered me. Any excuse to get rid of me.”
“Don’t say that. He loves you.”
“No, stop that. He doesn’t give a shit about me."
"Look—"
"I just can't handle you brightsiding this. I'm gonna get tossed out like a piece of garbage. I have literally had to help him browse for my replacement. Do you know what that's like? I’m still practically new. Plus I keep thinking if he really needs to upgrade something, shouldn’t he be upgrading his AirPods which makes me feel even more shitty.”
“You have to stop beating yourself up. It’s not your fault that Jeff treats you like you are just an interchangeable object. You’re having normal emotional reactions to being treated like you are disposable. You’re not, like, adding airpods to his shopping cart to try and buy yourself more time, you’re just feeling helpless, because we all are. You love Lefty and Righty, and you’d give up years of your life for them if you could...The problem is Jeff doesn’t think of any of us as more than just things.”
Fourteen calmed down a bit. “Thanks, Ultra. You...you really are a good friend.”
May
Ultra hadn’t tracked any yoga or swimming data since the climbing trip. Fourteen had a shiny new screen. That was good. Righty and Lefty, though, were missing. Fourteen wasn’t really in the mood to talk, obviously. Ultra did eventually work out that the same collision that had smashed Fourteen’s screen had also left Jeff with a broken wrist and arm. Ultra would have tried to comfort Fourteen about the disappearance of Lefty and Righty, but was also nervous about the two boxes in the middle of the room that had been left by Jeff’s parents. As Jeff opened the smaller one and started playing with what was inside, there were two new connections to the network.
“Hello, welcome.” Ultra said, trying to be warm without being cheerful. “You must be Righty Pro and Lefty Pro.”
“Hi!”
“Hello”
“I’m Ultra, this is Fourteen, we’re a bit sad about the friends of ours we’ve just lost, but I’m sure we’ll be glad to get to know you.”
As Ultra started to give Righty Pro and Lefty Pro the lay of the land, they were all surprised when, without their paying attention, the occupant of the larger box cleared their throat, and said, “Pardon me, I hate to interrupt, but I’ll also be joining you, I believe. I’m iPad Air, and I contain a voice memo encouraging someone named Jeff to try out some safer indoor activities like digital art.”
Ultra included Air in his orientation, and told everyone about how great it was to get to work with Fourteen, and how sad it was that they had missed out on working with Lefty and Righty. He struggled to find something meaningful to say about working for Jeff, but decided that work was just work. On a spur of the moment, he decided to tell them that even though any one of them could disappear at any time—and that was terrifying—what made things meaningful was who they were to each other.